Sneaky Meat

whisperSure, we can live through an occasional vegetarian meal every now and again. But what if they become too frequent? What happens then?

Worry no longer!

Thanks to an amazing breakthrough by Abyss scientists you’ll never have to find out. Introducing the product that hungry carnivores have yearned for since the dawn of time. Sneaky Meat!

Using our patented Meat Miniaturization Molecularization Methods (MMMM) everyday proteins are hydrogenated, dehydrated, folded, spindlatated and mutilated into delicious stealthy particlized food bits. Perfect for sneak attacks on that next vegetarian meal!

Outflank flavor while maintaining robust, juicy mouthfeel with real meat.

Here’s how it works:

  • Your wife, spouse, significant other or prison guard serves yet another vegetarian meal.
  • Reach for your handy can of Sneaky Meat (available in 42 fine varieties).
  • Sprinkle liberally right into your meal.
  • The meat bits interact with the moisture in your dish causing them to expand instantly into steamy, savory perfectly-sized bit of protein-laden meat. Think of it like Gravy Train for humans!
  • Bon Appétit!

For those dietarily oppressed, our stealth technology packaging is guaranteed not to blow your cover. Sprinkle with confidence using Sneaky Meat Healthy Stealthy cozies including Green Parsley Flakes, Flake ‘O Kale, Tellicherry Ground Pepper and many, many more.

From Prime Rib to New York Strip to T-Bone (our mascot) we’ve lassoed the flavors of yesteryear you used to know. Or try something different like Cornish Game Hen, Bacon, and Liver & Onions.

With Sneaky Meat you’ll never caught without your beloved protein pals – ever again! Find us in the seasoning packet section of your local grocery today.

Shake, shake, shake! Shake, shake, shake! Shake your meaty! Shake your meaty!

8 responses

  1. This post is perfectly timed! My vegetarian (for ten years) daughter came into the kitchen and declared: “Something smells really delicious.” It was grilled chicken.


    1. Since you didn’t have a big reveal I’m guessing her willpower held.


      1. Yes, she’s been able to remain a vegetarian, and I don’t think she was really tempted.


  2. This sneaky meat would pair perfectly with a Covert Cab™. It comes packaged like pop-rocks and once it mingles in your mouth, there is a chemical reaction resulting in a flavor profile equivalent to an aged first growth Bordeaux. My pattern recognition senses a correlation between vegans and sobriety – hence this is the perfect gift-set for their long suffering spouses and room mates.


    1. I thought Covert Cab was a little coy but quaffable. And I appreciate the expert pairing advice. I smell cross-marketing in our future.


      1. Meat is murder only if you get caught! 🔪+🐂+🍴+🍷=👌


      2. Emoji – It’s what’s for dinner!


  3. Now I know what song will be in my head (my meathead?) for the rest of the day.


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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