Gunfight Poetry Contest! Win up to $50,000 in cash and prizes!


Like I always say, “Why not both?”

Welcome to the first ever Shouts From The Abyss “Gunfight Poetry Contest.” We are giving away up to $50,000 in cash and prizes! (See official rules.)

Feeling lyrical? Have a flair for communicating big ideas using very few words? You might just win it all! (But probably not.)

We’ve all heard the classic phrase “You don’t bring a knife to a gunfight.” The Sick Puppies even turned that bit of frothy pith into a song. That’s the inspiration for this contest.

Jot down a few clever lines and you could walk away with up to $50,000 in cash and prizes. That’s a lot of scratch.

Here’s how it works:

I love the song Gunfight by the Sick Puppies but it’s far too short. It really should have been 42 minutes but they fell asleep at the switch. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. Viola. A contest is born.

Official Rules

gunfightWrite new lyrics that would seamlessly fit the song Gunfight. That’s it. We need more verses.

To help get you started, here’s the first verse from the song:

Here’s a little story how the west was won
The white man came and took out everyone
They used dirty blankets and they used machine guns
And they didn’t think twice about what they’d done

If you want to hear the rest of the song you’ll have to research it on your own. I’m not giving away the store here!

Entries will be judged on how well they fit lyrically, musically and thematically with the original Gunfight song. They must be true to the Gunfight-sian style.

  1. I will be the sole arbiter of value and will use any criteria I see fit up to and including none.
  2. All entries must be submitted using the comment section below.
  3. My decisions will be final. Gunfight final.
  4. If there are zero entries no prizes will be awarded.
  5. If there is exactly one entry that contestant will win all the prizes.
  6. If there are two or more entries we may have to break out some bracketology like we used to do in the past on Termination Tuesdays.
  7. Contest is open to residents of the United States 18 years and older who are of sound mind and body.
  8. Top prize is a one-item shopping spree at the Dollar Store (or prize of equivalent value at the sole discretion of the Contest Director).
  9. Second prize is an original and signed “historical document” on a sticky note from Tom B. Taker to Bill O’Reilly. (See below.) I have valued this item at up to $49,999 USD. Depending on how long the contest runs this document may or may not be marred by various food spills.
  10. I reserve the right to change these rules or make up new ones as I see fit at any time.
  11. Contest ends sometime this year or as soon as 64 entries have been received.

Based on the prizes involved, the competition is likely to be fierce. I don’t recommend bringing a knife to this battle.

The historical document. If you are lyrical enough this could be yours.

The historical document. If you are lyrical enough this could be yours.

9 responses

  1. May I bring my kid’s ukulele? It just helps me with poetic chord progressions.


    1. You actually get bonus points for that.


  2. Second Verse:

    Many years later they ruled the Supreme Court
    Look what they do when they mess around with torts
    They took over my vagina and demanded that I pay
    And they didn’t really worry that they took away my say


    1. I was also thinking about grabbing some SCOTUS. Extremely well played.


  3. A knife aint nothing but a prehistoric bullet
    Got his finger on the trigger and he aint afraid to pull it
    Took away their teepees, yeah they took away their nation
    Now they’re out there past the interstate on a big old reservation


    1. Holy shit. You just might be America’s Next Top Model.


      1. You only say that because you haven’t judged the swimsuit competition yet.


  4. Here’s a little story about the high school sports
    Quarterback had a hot thing in his shorts
    He put it inside all drunk girls that he met
    Now he’s defended by the city government


  5. I would like to enter your poetry contest.


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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