Apple Stand

Source: Colby Aley (Flickr).

Source: Colby Aley (Flickr).

Friday morning my wife and I were in Portland, Oregon, on our way to the zoo. (More on that later.) We had ridden MAX, the light rail system, into downtown and had to transfer lines in Pioneer Square (AKA Portland’s Living Room).

While there, we saw the new Apple store. It was early in the morning and it wasn’t opened yet.

The architecture was Lego Meets Glass. It was a rectangular building with a long back wall covered with assorted goodies and three other walls consisting of giant panels of glass. The simple design spoke of transparency, projecting an airy, light, sense of come-see-what-we’ve-got. Sleek, clear, simple and white. And, although I didn’t know it at the time, there’s also a lawn on the roof.

I said to my wife, “I’ll bet there’s at least 57 iPads in there.” (Homage to Steve Martin.)

Inside one solitary worker sat at a desk feverishly clicking, thinking and doing about Apple stuff.

In front, slowly traversing the entire length of the store at a leisurely pace, were two security guards. They looked bored out of their minds. I forgot to look to see if they were armed, but we are talking about an Apple store, right? The place was obviously where riches were stored.

There’s not going to be an Oceans 7.1.1 heist here today. Not on my iWatch!

Suddenly a man approached the front of the building. The security guards sniffed him but apparently he checked out. He arrived at the front door and waved at the man inside. He was special. He measured up. He got to go inside.

I’d heard that Apple stores have something called a Genius Bar but I didn’t see a single bottle of booze. Hell if I was going there for a drink.

Unfortunately we couldn’t wait around all day. We had a train to catch. Before we turned away I saw a security guard hock up a loogie the size of an iPod Nano and launch it on the shiny white steps. The guards leisurely turned and began shuffling towards each other again. A vision of the North Korea border suddenly leapt unbidden to my mind.

I felt tingles. This portended good. Suddenly I knew the trip to the zoo was going to be something special. Things were happening. We walked a block and waited for our ride while looking at a Nike swoosh symbol the size of the Titanic.

5 responses

  1. Oh man. So gross. Thanks for the visual. I see this all the time…sometimes the slob is holding hands with a woman and he hawks up a big one and sends it out. So far I haven’t seen one of those women drop hands or even notice.

    How can you ever kiss that person again? Yuck, bletch.

    I love Apple stores. I’d love them even more if I could afford to shop there for fun and not just when I HAVE to buy a new laptop.

    Hope you two had a great time at the zoo!


    1. Wait. What? You think Apple stores are gross? Good for you!

      Of course you kiss again. Because, bacteria. Always churning, ever yearning. Lot’s of biologies and chemical reactions taking place up in our grills, ya know?

      The zoo? It was, well, a zoo. I plan to write about it as long as I still have my opposable thumbs. There is much to say.


      1. Can’t wait for that post. You are the Zoo Whisperer.


  2. If you ever want to feel really stupid (and who doesn’t, right), go ask someone at the genius bar a question. After the eye roll and exasperated exhale, they’ll make you feel like an absolute stooge.


    1. I try really hard to answer my own questions. Finally I reached an impasse and turned to the Genius Bar for help. They didn’t know, either. Eventually I figured it out on my own. The Appellations at the Genius Bar may mean while, but it seems they’re really best suited to answer questions from idiots.


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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