Star Wars: Seventh Heaven

“Basically there’s going to be two Death Stars,” Abrams said. “They symbolically represent your testicles which will be snipped by the end of the film.”

Warning: I am about to bitch about Star Wars. This in no way should be construed as an inference I will not see the film. Of course I’m going to see the bloody film. They can shit on a plate and call it steak jarjare for all I care and I’m going to lap it up. I have as much chance of boycotting the film as a heroine addict has of telling his supplier to go to Hell. Even with Disney at the helm fairy tales do have their limits.

“Always two there are. A filmmaker and a sucker.” I’d be the latter.

Here’s my $42. Take it. I feel pathetic enough. You don’t have to rub it in. Just let me in and soon I’ll feel dirtier than Luke Skywalker in a trash compactor scene. I’m pathetic. I’m scum. No, scratch that. I’m rebel scum. I’m lower than a Denebian tick on a swamp rat on Degobah.

And now for the proactive bitching:

• Did you know it’s possible to blow up a new and improved Death Star using only lens flares? That’s impossible. No, it isn’t. Hell, I used to blow up thermal vents in Hell’s Lanyard back home using only a small mirror.
• You’re bringing back the original actors to reprise their roles of Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and Princess Leia Organa? I can already smell the excitement. Or is that just leakage from someone’s Depends? In the future of a long time ago have they invented hover mobility devices yet? Those magicians at ILM are going to have to invent some new walkers, too.
• That Darth Vader outfit is way too cool to waste. There will be a new character, a copycat assassin, who goes on a crime spree and taunts the new government with frightening messages written as puzzling ciphers.
• There’s a moratorium on time travel. That’s for Star Trek only. If Abrams attempts to interfere with the timeline I’ll send in my water dancer to show him the pointy end of the lightsaber.
• Jar Jar Binks has grandchildren. ‘Nuff said.
• Not one word about midichlorians. Don’t even think about it! I’ll gut you like a frozen tauntaun.
• I guarantee you that we want to learn a lot about Galactic Senate procedures. From handling blockades to the nomination process to filibusters to cloture to censure to earmarks to tariffs to issues like border patrols and minimum wage to the annual State of the Galactic Union address and more.
• No Abrams cameo.
• It turns out that Mace Windu had a son and he reproduced like a bad motherfucker.
• No one should yell “nooooo!” or be cut in half unless it is vertical.
• The only time anyone should lose their hand is if attempting to wield a tri-lightsaber during a duel or juggling two dual-lightsabers. Because, that’s impossible.
• No surprise Kenobi offspring, brothers, sisters, identical twins, clones, cousins, uncles, aunts, second cousins, etc. The dude is gone. Get over it.
• Klingon’s should be old school. No overly elaborate cranial ridges.
• There has to be at least one expository scene of R2D-2 and C-3PO getting systems upgrades. Otherwise they should boot really slow and only have about half the memory required to operate efficiently.
• No product placement for anything found on planet Earth.
• No races or wagering involving Galactic credits.
• No flashbacks. “You know,” said Han Solo with a wry grin, “I should have tipped that bartender better after I killed Greedo because he shot first.”
• That Splinter Of The Mind’s Eye was okay. You may introduce a modicum of that.
• Sorry, but no Millennium Falcon. The only possible exceptions I’m willing to accept are a tour through the Rebellion Museum (which better be integral to the plot) or something like the Millennium Falcon-E (and it better look upgraded).
• Most of the action should take place on all new planets. Some limited use of Coruscant is acceptable for scenes involving the Galactic Senate.
• No former characters coming back as glowing ghosts.
• New force abilities that we’ve somehow never heard of before can’t be too powerful. Things like the stopping of time, bringing back people from the dead or instantaneous teleportation makes sense.
• There must be at least one scene with characters celebrating Life Day to make the Star Wars Holiday Special officially canon.
• Screw binary thinking. (Binary suns are still okay.) Let there be no more talk of good vs. evil, light vs. dark, master vs. apprentice, etc. There’s a whole spectrum out there. Explore it. Maybe a good guy who’s a bad cop. Or a bad cop who’s really a good guy. Maybe a character who can blow up a Death Star but is mean to Ewoks.
• Oh, one other thing. No Death Stars. That has been done literally to death. There has to be at least one Ted Mosby in the Outer Rim slaving away at an architecture firm who can some up with something more interesting than a flying space sphere.
• No weirdo plot twists only from the mind of Abrams. Like weird random sequences of numbers that are never, never, never, never, never, never ever explained.
• No holodecks or holographic doctors.
• No scenes of characters being saved from a monster by another monster. This is known as “There’s always a bigger fish” syndrome. See Star Trek (2009) and Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.
• No breaking one episode of the “trilogy” into three different movies.
• No 4D glasses, 5D glasses or Oculus Rift headsets allowed.

The odds against the next movie being good are …

Han Solo, interrupting, “Never tell me the odds, sonny.”

That’s enough for now. I’m sure I’ll think of more things I hate after I actually see the movie.