Hey guys! Leave me here. Don’t wait. Go on without me. I’ll be okay!

Is it who or whom? Either way, I’ve got some bad news for denizens of the Archieverse.

In a tersely written press release, Archie Andrews, the hero of Archie comics, announced his death pending this July. Is that dude organized or what?

Apparently, Archie borrowed a stick of gum from arch rival (heh!) Bazooka Joe and didn’t gladly pay him back “next Tuesday” as promised. BJ took offense and sent his boys to rough him up, but they muffed the job. Archie scrambled, juked left, dodged right, then crashed hilariously into a fruit stand. A crowd of passerby intervened and later they all celebrated with a chocolate malt after BJ’s boys had sulked away.

The next day, Bazooka Joe himself took care of the job by lobbing a mortar into the malt shop, killing Archie and…