Dear Guru: Winning Easter Eggs

Q.
Dear Guru,

How will my child perform during this year’s Easter egg hunt? How can I guarantee The Win?

Signed,

Holy Redshirter

P.S. Oh yeah. Almost forgot… Praise Jesus!

A.
What astute questions! Rest easy. You have come to the right place. Clearly if anyone ever deserved The Win it is your precocious child. Something is cracked and/or smells around here and it’s not just the eggs.

The answer, of course, depends on a complex variety of factors including your child’s gifts, level of motivation, and unfortunately, no small amount of luck. With proper planning, however, the nefarious element of random chance can be minimized.

What I mean to say is, just how far are you and your child willing to go? How badly do you really want those coveted eggs?

If you want to omelet someone’s face sometimes you have to crack a few skulls. I mean break a few eggs. I mean noses. Yeah, noses. To win at Easter egg hunts you have to be willing to take bold steps. Like landing haymakers on the faces of other parents and breaking their schnozi.

After all, what’s Easter without a little blood? It’s time to earn that “redshirt” moniker! What Screams May Come is supposed to be a colorful place.

If you think I’m making this up then you are ye of little faith. An article on the web tells the tale of “pushy moms” at an Easter egg hunt where one punched the other in the face. Good times.

Now you know what you’re up against. If you really want The Win you’re going to have to be prepared for anything and loaded for bear. That means weaponry and plenty of it. That’s the only way to truly honor a holiday based on the exploits of a fanciful bunny rabbit that poops chocolate eggs. Yes, you put those in your mouth because, the delicious.

Since this is a religious holiday, may I humbly recommend The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch?

A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 2, verses 9–21:

Source: Wikipedia

…And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, “O LORD, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.” And the LORD did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and large chu… [At this point, the friar is urged by Brother Maynard to “skip a bit, brother”]… And the LORD spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.”

Source: Wikipedia – Rabbit of Caerbannog

Toss one of these babies into the fray and a good time will be had by all. And thy child’s basket will overfloweth with eggs.

Other tried-and-true techniques include:

• Scarecrowing: Tie a dead guy to an office chair and paint, in blood, on his shirt: “Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.”
• Jasoning: Wield a chainsaw and hockey mask.
• Christine-ing: Drive through the meadow hitting the gas rather than the brake.
• Ramboing: Strap an M60 to your body.
• Acme-ing: Expend an incredible amount of effort devising elaborate traps and painting train tunnels on walls. Not recommended for underachievers.
• Slingblading: The perfect accompaniment for a biscuit with a little bit of mustard on it.
• Soccer-Refereeing: Sucker punch to the head until dead.
• Ashing: Say hello to my boomstick.

The possibilities are endless and limited only by your imagination. The point is to be creative and have fun. Just as long as all roads lead to your kid having the most eggs. Bar none. End of story. Nuff said. Always keep your eyes on the prize.

Sure, when I was a kid, a “Ribbon of Participation” was good enough for most of us non-finishers. There just aren’t enough chairs in the cakewalk of life for everyone to have a seat, if you know what I’m sayin’. In the olden times some went home empty-handed. In fact, that was required.

These days mere participation is rightly viewed as The Way of the Loser. Not good enough, dammit! Not for my kid. There are valuable lessons to be learned at an event like an Easter egg hunt and the harsh realities of life is decidedly not one of them. It’s all about the booty and the looty, baby.

Remember, there are no points for second place. Those are life lessons for other people’s kids.

Jesus is the reason for the season. Now go kick some ass and get those eggs. Teach your children well. Bleed by example.