Google Spay

google-as-darth-vaderI’ve got an idea. Let’s put Google in charge. Of, like, totally Everything. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

My wife and I have perfected the art of screaming at the TV while Google runs a new series of ads promoting something called Google Play. The ads seem tailor made for millennials, those wacky creatures with birthdays in early 1980s to the early 2000s.

Google loves millennials. Also grandmothers using AOL on Windows 95 who only know how to open emailed photos of grandchildren and stalk the entire family on Facebook. But it’s mostly the millennials.

Millennials are the people in your neighborhood who get run over by cars while texting, fall down open manholes when walking down a sidewalk while texting, running over other people while driving and texting, listening to lectures in college and texting, working mundane jobs and texting, and, if the rumors are true, even use their internet-powered smartphones while sitting on the toilet.

Whatever Google poops out millennials soak up like a sponge. How about Google in your wristwatch like George Jetson? Yes, please! How about Google in a computer you strap to your face? I’ll look so cool! How about Google you wear in a ring on your finger? Yes, I do.

These are people living enhanced reality sorts of lives. Why just look at a boring street when you can wear goggles that superimpose text (in the font of your choice) and describe what’s in view so you won’t have to hurt your brain? And it’s free, not counting the 20% of display real estate devoted to blinking advertisements.

Speaking of which, the ad campaign for Google Play is promoting the ability to watch Hollywood blockbuster movies like “Yankee! Look at me! I am the Captain now!”

Of course, with Google involved, it doesn’t quite stop there. In Google’s opinion, while watching the movie, you should be multitasking. Perhaps using some Google Docs to manage your money. Manage tomorrow’s expenditures and consumption. Let’s devote about 20% of the display to that.

Google is known for search (an admittedly archaic service they continue to offer for nostalgic reasons) so of course they recommend that while enjoying movies. In the commercial the clever viewer realizes, “Holy shit! That’s Tom Hanks. Click pause. Let’s google that sum bitch. I bet this isn’t his first movie. What else has this guy been in?”

With proper utilization of the myriad of services offered by Google, it’s possible to give less and less screen to the movie itself. If done properly, the movie can be shrunk to the size of a single twinkling pixel, much like a real star in Google NightSky.

Of course, at that size, the only part of the movie that can actually be enjoyed is the audio, and that is easily overwritten by Google Radio.

A good movie prompts a feeling of suspension of disbelief. It takes you out of the moment. Google doesn’t like people who are present in the moment. That’s why they launched Google Omnipresent Stimuli. Movies should never get your full attention. They should just be a tiny slice of the stimuli spectrum. With advertising, of course.

“Yankee! Look at Google! They are the Captain now.”

11 responses

  1. Google does offer some great products.
    Unfortunately, They think they offer nothing but, and insist we think so too.

    Almost makes me want to use Bing.


    1. For a few months I’ve been scheming about leaving Gmail behind. It is possible to manage your own email and store in on your home computer. It’s perhaps not as convenient in every way but on the other hand, AFAIK, the email doesn’t get archived on Google’s servers, either. I just read a news report yesterday that all big email providers “read” your email, whatever that means. I don’t like the thought of that. But it’s what we all signed up for by using the service in the first place.


      1. Google doesn’t archive, but they don’t delete either. Whoever you have your home internet hookup with should have given you an email address, that probably has a web access page too.
        The only other option ids to get hosted email I think., which we had used for work, is a pretty good hosted Microsoft Exchange service.


  2. Watching the arms-race between Apple, Facebook, and Google for our eyeballs and ears has been fascinating and scary. If I had to guess, I bet GOOG wins, but maybe that’s because I use their products more. Though I do have a lot of Apple stuff, too. Hrmm. I wonder which one I would give up first. Probably Apple.


    1. I think consumers are giving away too much. Consumers don’t demand privacy therefore none car about it, beyond lip service and “trust us.”


  3. Somehow I’ve missed all those Google ads. All I seems to see here are ads for Jerry’s Discount Carpet and Remnant Warehouse – minutes from all the bridges.


    1. I’m boycotting Jerry’s Discount Carpet and Remnant Warehouse. Here in Portland there’s a local car dealer running commercials with the owner in the Emperor’s room on the Death Star orbiting the forest moon of Endor. It makes me long for the simple entertainment value of Cal Worthington riding a donkey. And his dog, Spot!


  4. Snoring Dog Studio | Reply

    Millennials will be the first among us to allow Google to insert a USB port in their skulls so that everything can be googlefied. What a rich life.

    Fantastic writing, man.


    1. Thanks for the compliment. This was one of those times where I didn’t want to write. This post is the result. And yes, I do believe millennials will volunteer for practically anything. They’ll plug ‘n play their slut interfaces no questions asked. It’ll probably look like Logan’s Run.


  5. I don’t have cable or regular TV so I miss all the commercials. I still might fall down a manhole though. Just because I’m mostly clumsy.


    1. Me, too. I mostly see them because we’ve been watching Hulu Plus lately, and even though that service has a monthly fee, it also has commercials galore. The Google Play ads are on there.


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