Strip Maul

What has been porcine cannot be unporcine.

What has been porcine cannot be unporcine.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but bacon on a hamburger has been a thing for quite some time, right? Now fast food outlets are running advertising on steroids acting like it’s something utterly new.

Somebody better get this burger a little fedora. I smell a trend.

“Get bacon in your burger” a bulbous clown-head thing boisterously sings on TV.

Why? Is there anything even remotely new about combining hamburgers and bacon? Just how significant is the difference between bacon on a burger and bacon in a burger? On vs. in. That’s the eternal question, isn’t it? If the researchers at a fast food restaurant are to be believed, it’s certainly something to crow about. (Coming soon.)

First they demonstrate a freak of nature they’ve developed in their labs. It’s called “Bork.” Yes, he’s half beef, half pork. He’s a cute little critter that mostly looks like a pig, but has the markings of a cow and even horns. Talk about DNA recombinations and GMO!

This little beef and pork combo means the bacon is already mixed inside the burger’s patty. But wait, there’s more. Based on what my eyes can see in that commercial that haunts my dreams, it appears there are four additional strips of bacon served with that mutated patty. And last, but not least, for good measure they anoint the substance with something called “bacon mayo.” Let us not even speculate where that might come from.

What the hell? Couldn’t they also make the buns and lettuce out of bacon, too? Uncommitted losers.

Sometimes during the artifice of blogging come rare serendipitous moments. It generally starts when you wake up early and lie in bed for a few hours, thinking, “What in the name of Zeus’ butthole will I write about today?”

Then you remember that stupid commercial they’ve shoved down your throat 42 million times (and counting). Hey, I’ll write about that, you think. As if by magic, a blog title takes shape in your mind. Strip. Maul. Strip Maul. Yes, I shall use that. Any good blog post always begins with a good subject line. The content is optional, and can come later, if needed.

You take that title and pump it in WordPress and click save, lest it gets forgotten before the post ever had a chance. Then comes the next most important thing: An image. That’s where the internet comes in and, as usual, it does not disappoint. How serendipitous.

But we’re not quite finished yet. While searching for an image with just the right amount of je ne sais quoi essence, you begin to notice something else. Several exciting little tidbits about your chosen topic in the news that are only a few hours old. Yes! That’s the quintessential moment of serendipity when you know, with certainty, this thing is going to happen.

So yeah, I just had one of those.

On vs. in. I imagine in an episode of Girls that would be a super-critical question. But bacon and burgers? I submit the point is moo-t. Oink!

The cheese in a cheeseburger substantially changes its nutritional value. For example, in comparison to their standard hamburger, which only differs by the slice of cheese, a McDonald’s cheeseburger has 20% more calories, 33% more fat and 25% more protein. Other types of cheese would have varying effects, depending on their nutritional content.

Source: Wikipedia – Talk:Cheeseburger

All that from a single piece of cheese? On top an already nutritionally toxic thing? Indeed, what a friend we have in cheeses. But it feels like there has got to be something more. I know! Let’s put a shit ton of bacon on that motherfucker. Are we there yet?

The love of bacon is so nuts it has become a meme. There’s even been a bacon milkshake although it reportedly contained no actual bacon. Chemicals for the yum. Either way, bacon isn’t exactly the healthiest thing to put in your first-world hole.

“Increased bacon sales amplify health concerns” says a recent headline. Bacon sales sizzled 9.5 percent higher in the most recent year where data is available. (Apparently the researchers all had heart attacks.)

WHY U NO HEALTHY? Some fun facts about bacon:

  • High in saturated fats and sodium.
  • Consumption of processed meats, like bacon or sausage, is associated with a 19 percent higher risk of developing type 2 diabetes and a 42 percent higher risk of developing heart disease.
  • Sodium nitrates in processed meats like bacon can also increase the risk of heart disease.
  • Bacon gets its tempting flavor from the Maillard Reaction, which is when the protein on the surface of meat becomes denatured and recombines with present sugars. This reaction gives bacon its distinctive taste.

Bacon factoids from Kitchen Daily. Visit the site for the entire slideshow.

Why do fast food outlets only seem to push the worst stuff on us? Why isn’t there a McApples or Carrots In A Box? Is there no profit in what’s healthy? Only that which is horrible for us tastes delicious. Weird.

For most of you, this post is done. In Babe parlance, “That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.” For the rest who are intrepid enough to go all the way, here’s the final piece of serendipity and it’s only a few hours old.

It’s a pictorial about where bacon really comes from. Courtesy of the Huffington Post. For those who want to see the whole thing, click the headline. For the rest, I’ll merely summarize the section headings. Bon appétit!

Huffington Post – You’ll Never Look At Bacon The Same Way After Seeing Photos Of A Slaughtered Pig

  • This Adorable Little Guy Is Going To Be Your Dinner
  • But First, You Have To Kill Him
  • EVISCERATING THE CARCASS — Step 1: Sever The Skin
  • Step 2: Cut Around The Rectum
  • Step 3: Cut Along The Pizzle
  • #4: Separate The Pizzle
  • #5: Split The Abdomen
  • #6: Tie The Bung
  • #7: Remove The Bung And Genitals
  • #8: Remove The Viscera
  • #9: Retrieve The Caul Fat
  • #10: Remove The Liver And Spleen
  • #11: Split The Diaphragm And Separate The Sternum
  • #12: Remove The Pluck
  • #13: Remove The Kidneys
  • And THEN the butchering part begins, which is a whole different story.

21 responses

  1. No like button on today’s post? Did you try to replace it with bacon?
    How very trendy.

    Thanks for the inspiration! I’m having a bacon and tomato sandwich for lunch today. With mayo.


    1. AFAIK there should be a LIKE button. Pound that thing into pork burger! Alas, I’m not trendy enough to hide the LIKE button. I admit that would have been brilliant. I am the shame.

      Enjoy having bacon in your mouth.


      1. WordPress must be working on another kind of button…”eat me” perhaps?


  2. Did you change your theme again?
    Also, I so wish that were a picture of you. I’m just going to pretend. Cuz, hilarious.


    1. I only changed it once, but I did adjust the colors to get rid of the red, white and blue. How did I do?

      How do you know that’s not me? Maybe it’s a bacon selfie.


      1. It’s the color of The Voice now. And show choir uniforms.

        I just know.


  3. I agree with the half ass commitment to bacon comment. We should have bacon buns, bacon lettuce, and bacon ketchup and mustard. All bacon, all the time! And that damn jingle is in my mind. I also refuse to believe bacon is bad for you…just like liquor! Excellent post and I found the like button!


    1. Bacon condiments? I’m so stupid, stupid, stupid. I want to eat in your restaurant. I mean that in an edible sort of way.


  4. NotAPunkRocker | Reply

    Bork? Will the Swedish Chef be promoting it in commercials?


    1. Bork, Bork, Bork! Cut him open and cook him! Charizard! Charizard!


  5. McDonalds did try healthful things, like sliced apples for dessert.
    No one bought them.


    1. Oh, and BACON!!!!!!!


      1. It’s certainly a rock star among meats.


    2. Give them what they want. Like wax on our fruit. We want the best. We want it all. We want it now.


  6. Congrats on the single most disturbing pic used in a blog post this year. Granted, it’s only March, but still…yikes.


    1. I think that image really cooks, which is a good thing because who wants raw bacon?


  7. Snoring Dog Studio | Reply

    The paleo folks have made bacon all the rage. It’s still just a strip of salty, nitrate-ridden meat with fat running through it. I’ve switched to turkey bacon and find that it’s satisfying enough. I really don’t get these Carl’s Juniors ads – we’re deep into an obesity epidemic and they continue with their obscene bacon porn commercials. Yikes.


    1. Just for you, I dug in my hard drive. I found this piece of long forgotten data I wrote about Carl’s Jr. on my blog circa the late 1990’s. They’ve been doing their schtick for a long, long time.

      Carl’s Jr.

      I like advertising to be as disgusting as possible, especially when it relates to something I eat! The good folks at Carl’s Jr. have come up with the most offensive commercials I’ve ever seen, and I, for one, am boycotting them! Their food isn’t that good that I mind going without it. From splashing ketchup on a woman’s dress while a roomful of men lust from afar to two drug-crazed freaks dropping ketchup in a goldfish bowl, Carl’s Jr. has proved that they are completely out of touch with the people they want to sell their burgers to. Well, maybe not completely. Perhaps first-graders find the commercials to be totally tubular entertainment – so much for the next generation. Check out Jack-In-The-Box for an example of a tasteful, clever, humorous, and effective advertising campaign.

      Bonus burger issue: I want to sue Burger King! Never in my entire life have I seen an actual burger that looks even remotely like it did on TV. On TV they look all big and fluffy – on the way to your mouth, it looks all flat and lifeless.

      Oh, crap. There goes my cred. I’m a multi-decade hypocrite. At least this has a consistent tone. 🙂


      1. Snoring Dog Studio

        I’m so glad someone else is offended by Carl’s Juniors sophomoric porn. The thing is, most of the people who are chowing down at that place don’t look anything at all like the actors in their commercials.


  8. I think you missed a good chance for a Bjork pun. Maybe as a swan-song.

    I don’t want to think about where my pork products come from, because I know that compared to cows and chickens and such, pigs are smart. Smart enough to know what a raw-ass deal they’re getting. All meat should only be known by their en-styrofoam and plastic wrapped version. Much more morally ambiguous then.


    1. Dammit, you’re right. The Bjork was right in front of my face, too. Dammit.

      Think about it.

      “Bork, it’s beef and pork, get bacon in your burger.”

      What if the song was slightly different.

      “Snork, it’s beef and pork, get sodium nitrates in your burger.”

      Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, eh?

      I went vegetarian for a while. It was hard, mainly because I love meat so much. What to do? What to do? My latest foray was noshing on raw elk, but that’s another story.


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