Getting To Foe You

affluenzaOompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do
I have another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doom-pa-da-dee
If you are wise, you’ll listen to me
Who do you blame when your kid is a brat?
Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat
Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame
You know exactly who’s to blame

The mother and the father

Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-da
If you’re not spoiled, then you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do

(My emphasis added.)

Like I’ve always said, parents are the absolute worst people to have children.

Today seems like a good day to get reacquainted with a person from my past. Technically, as a person who’s been alive approx. 25 years on this planet, he’s no longer a gerbil but, in my heart, he’ll always be gerbil to me.

Spare the rod and spoil the child? Perhaps, but I don’t take it quite as literally as some folks who interpret those words as God’s will to beat their children to death. There can be too much of a good thing. There has got to be some middle ground. Maybe one day humans will find it.

Introducing a gentleman I’ll refer to henceforth as The Farley. This is how he was described four years ago:

21-year-old gerbil who recently obtained a medical marijuana card for his “sore back.” He’s a rather large and clumsy sort, very reminiscent of Chris Farley in my humble opinion. He’s a human garbage disposal with boorish eating habits in public and gluttonous behavior in private.

Source: Shouts from the Abyss – The Adventure of the Raspberry Bar

The Farley has been mentioned on this blog from time to time. You can painstakingly search through the historical documents archived online to learn more, but here’s a brief recap of the essentials:

  • Separated at birth from Chris Farley. Twin, body double, etc. in physical appearance and demeanor.
  • Narcissistic.
  • Still lives at home in his mid 20’s.
  • Has never held down a steady job.
  • Makes Gilligan (of Gilligan’s Island) look sophisticated. Clumsy, accident prone, etc.
  • Babied to the umpteenth degree by his doting mother and domesticated father (who is otherwise an extremely nice guy).
  • Has never had a steady girlfriend.
  • An intrepid explorer on the Oregon Trail (food stamp program) even though he lives at home and eats like a house.
  • Proud owner of a medical marijuana card due to sore back.
  • Consumes food like Hurricane Katrine devoured entire cities.
  • Has received numerous expensive vehicles and RVs (toys) as gifts.
  • Actually, by the skin of his teeth, obtained a high school diploma. A rare deviation from standard gerbil/millennial behavior. (A nod to Chaos Theory.)
  • When parents die will likely inherit a considerable fortune. High probability he will never work the rest of his life.

Some people are just born lucky, I guess.

New information recently came to light about an incident that happened five years ago. Here’s the story.

Our very own gerbil was working with The Farley in a food service setting. Yes, he has briefly held jobs from time to time. It never turns out well. After a few days he’s either fired or quits.

Suddenly there was a loud commotion and boom. People ran to see what happened. There was The Farley on the floor and a giant gaping hole ripped into the drywall of the establishment. Long story short, the official line was that The Farley, clumsy beast that he is, tripped, fell into the wall, and his massive shoulder literally tore apart the fabric of the wall in the space-time continuum.

Regardless of the cause, management did the right thing. They fired him. He otherwise offered no redeeming qualities as an employee and, as a bonus, their building would soon be leveled if they kept him on. Simply put, he wasn’t worth the myriad of hassles. I’m normally a champion for employee rights but not this time. They did the right thing. Even assuming it was an accident. Sorry, The Farley. We just don’t need you. This is supposed to be a for-profit enterprise. We can’t afford to go deeper in debt every time you work a shift.

Normally, that would have been the satisfying end of the story. But wait, there’s more.

I may have mentioned just five paragraphs ago that new information recently came to light. Well, it did!

While visiting recently with our son, a known former friend of The Farley, he let slip that The Great Wall Incident was no accident. Nay, that wall maw was the direct result of The Farley rage. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

It was deliberate. On purpose.

Apparently the spoiled little cupcake became angry at work. This is certainly something I can understand. But what did his spoiled little brain tell him to do? Deliberately kick the shit out of the nearest wall. Of course.

We’ve all experienced moments of anger, perhaps slamming our fists on a table or punching a wall. But even in that anger, we have enough common sense to know there are limits. We hold back just enough to avoid crossing certain lines.

But not The Farley. No, The Farley lacks that little bit of common sense. The Farley became angry. The Farley flipped out.

Now that I think about it, the wanton and deliberate destruction of the wall is, indeed, the most reasonable explanation. I feel shamed that, like others, I was taken in by the tripping and shoulder story. (Although it certainly seemed reasonable for a lumbering oaf like The Farley.) The truth seems so damn obvious now. I guess every lie requires a participant willing to be duped.

The moral of the story? Never forget to consider Occam’s Razor. The simplest and most obvious explanation is usually the right one. And try to raise your kids not to be gigantic assholes of douchebag.

6 responses

  1. Into everyone’s life a little farley must fall. If only to make you appreciate the kids who manage to become adults. And by “adults” I don’t just mean age-wise. Just wise.


    1. In every conversation, look for the lie. It’s always there. Why, Mrs. Abyss put on an astonishing display of her lie detection skills just very morning. It should prove an interesting tale.

      The gerbils that we have managed to tag so far are redefining our previous definitions of what constitutes gerbilhood. Apparently they have longer lifespans than we imagined.


  2. It’s Jojo from Medieval Land Funtime World!


    1. You know your cultural references!


      1. You can eat sand, young man!


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