I will feast on your soul.
Prattling on about this nonsense and that is all well and good, but the time has come to put lofty ideas into action. It’s time to be livid.
Pro Tip: You may want to keep some napkins handy just in case veins on your forehead pop.
Sometimes life will lope up on you from behind and give you ample reasons to be angry. Sometimes (although I can’t imagine why) you aren’t even in the mood to be angry yet life will foist itself upon you regardless. It will literally force you to be livid against your will.
True, those are sublime experiences, but they do tend to be rather random and when the chips are down, you really can’t count them.
So, what to do? Take matters into your own hands, of course! With my tried and true techniques, and a bit of practice, so you’ll soon be livid with the best of them, as often as you want and when you need it the most.
Sound too good to be true? It probably is. See? I can feel it working already!
What is it to be livid? Well, it’s a Siamese twin to the emotion of anger. I’d quote the definition in Wikipedia but it just made me angry. Find the damn thing yourself. Either way, anger is an important emotion because it keeps you on the top of your game. In Guru of Negativity theory it is anger which fuels the bite or blight response which is quite necessary to survival of the shittest. (See: Origins of the Feces.)
[A]nger both encourages people to believe they can control their future and then motivates them to take risks.
Source: Psychology Today (deliberately taken out of context)
As an advanced practitioner of negativity, long ago I realized I had the ability to make myself livid at will. Often when having an otherwise pleasant day I realized I would do it without the benefit of external stimuli of any kind. I’d just do it. Suddenly my eyes were blurry, my heart was pounding and my day was hellish. This is something any guru in training must learn to become enblightened.
Now on to the the little acorns that will become mighty oaks. (You gotta think positive.)
Pain
Not the emotional sort. Suffice it to say that’s a prerequisite. I’m talking about physical pain. Never underestimate the power of self-torture to impact your mood. Stub your big toe on any bowling ball that might happen to be laying around, your little toe on the damn corner of the bed frame, or, just go back to the basics and hammer your thumb.
You’re off to a good start.
Fairness
Cling dearly to the idea that fairness should exist. This will always serve you well whether you are trying to become angry or not.
Self Image
Mirrors are powerful objects in the world of the negative. You should own plenty of them. Never miss a chance to take a look and relish in the hate.
Comparison
Duality and concepts like yin and yang teach us that without bad the good has no meaning. In other words, the bad is important. When in the bad take note, because it’s just doing you a favor by making the good look good. Extend this principle by comparing something about yourself with someone else. Ex: I’m being rear-ended in a shitty Ford Pinto (only allow two seconds for this thought experiment) while that worthless piece of shit over there is being rear-ended in a BMW.
Judgement
Be offended at everything you see. Claim the high moral ground and look down on everyone else. Wax your board to make it go faster before you hit the slippery slopes. Wipeouts are gnarly.
Environment
Seek out the most distress situations to impact your mind at a subliminal level. An infant screaming is designed, by nature, to be the most disturbing auditory input to humans. That sound can sometimes be hard to track down, if so, go for the next best thing like the food court in an IKEA furniture store or a theater during a G-rated movie. Really listen and allow the sound to feast on your soul.
Empirical Evidence
Read the news. A lot. Every chance you get. Nuff said.
Science
We’ve all heard that crap about “the only person who controls our feelings is you.” For once, this actually works in our favor. Embrace it and feel empowered as you will yourself to become even angrier.
Mirage
Avoid Angry Birds. They are too cutesy to be of any real assistance.
Truth/Logic
Strive to see the world as it really is. This should automatically make most people angrier.
Music
They say “music hath charms to sooth a savage breast.” I guess maybe if the music is charming. Conversely, then, we can assume that savage music makes the soothing breast more savage. Ah, yes. This is helpful. Personally I like Disturbed, Type O Negative, Theory Of A Deadman and Nickelback. Your mileage may vary. Make this shit the “soundtrack of your strife” like Dick Clark used to say.
Conclusion
These are just suggestions. It’s important to experiment and find what works for you. Then, once you’re really good and angry, know that nothing you feel will ever make any difference to a hill of beans in an infinite number of eternities. That final thought should be the one that seals the deal.
Enjoy and be sure to share your new-found feelings with everyone who shares your life.
Shouts from the Abyss 
Let it out, Shouts.
It’s not healthy to keep it bottled in like that.
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You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Alas, a bit of good news came my way and my mood improved.
I still have much to learn. Better luck next time!
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I don’t know if that was inspirational or depressing (depressed mostly by the hill of bean comment).
Are we an angrier society than we used to be? Maybe. It’s easy to “say” we’re outraged, but are we really? Or do we hang around in self-selected circles of like-mindedness where we ramp each other up?
I used to have a real bad temper when I was a kid. My dad — through a masterful combination of thoughtfulness and threat — helped me see that lashing out was rarely the best choice. But man, sometimes I just want to let people have it.
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Ah. Ye olde bean seal-a-meal. That was a favorite. š
I look at the anger on that young girl’s face. I thought about using the quintessential little soccer boy flipping the finger but that’s cliche these days. Either way, though, where does it come from? I posit that each generation is angrier than the last because angry people are having and raising kids. It’s like a snowball effect. So called “improvements” in our daily lives seem to do little to make as less angry. Studies show that happiness is in decline in the United States.
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No veins popped in the reading of this post. š
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Good news. That probably wouldn’t look nice. š
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People get a little grossed out by the arterial spray!
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Being livid is kind of a double edged sword with me. I don’t do it often and I’m kind if soft spoken so when I do it it is very effective and I can have an effect.
Of course if people who know me well are near when I do it, being livid is a challenge because they can’t stop laughing and saying things like “this must be what it was like to see Mr. Rogers go off on someone.”
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Mr. Rogers with shuriken and nunchaku, maybe! Most people didn’t know he could be pushed too far. It just took a lot. š
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Okay – you got me with “Fairness.” Nothing drives me to lividity faster than observing and taking note of the gross unfairness this world offers. But one thing tops Fairness – cruelty to dogs. Then I become livid of a whole new dimension. Some day I’d like to be standing outside myself during a livid episode. It would be frightening.
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I’ve been thinking about fairness a lot. 99% of what I know about fairness came from my dad with the sage advice that it didn’t exist. Thanks a lot, dad. What else you got?
Not only is life unfair, it is utterly unfair. Right from the moment of birth when we all are born with different gifts, limitations, DNA, size, color, weight, attributes, mental abilities, skills, etc. Then we sprinkle scruples (or lack thereof) on top for extra randomized goodness.
Even I wouldn’t pick on dogs just to make people angrier. That’s why I left them out of this post. But yeah, cruelty to animals is truly vile. Why can’t we have a civilization without people like that? Truly unfair.
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I’ve never been livid. I’ve experienced the run-up to livid…anger, pissed off, etc. but never yet reached that particular pinnacle.
If this a good or bad thing? Should I try it on for size or just be thankful I’ve yet to come across a situation that makes me go puce?
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You haven’t lived until you’ve been livid. That’s how the word livid got its name.
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So if you drink a lot, your life is “livered?”
*snort*
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As always, you win with style, grace and aplomb. I bow to your greatness.
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