Talocruralpantaloonlocophobia

They called her Clean-Fingers McGee. She never missed. They said you could bet your life on her fingers being clean. Come to think of it, if you ever shook hands with her, that’s pretty much what you were doing.

Although not generally known, McGee had a secret. When using public restrooms, she would pull up her pants before exiting the stall and making her way across the tile of questionable cleanliness to the sinks to wash her hands.

You see, McGee was deathly afraid of shuffling across public restrooms with pants around her ankles. This condition, which is more common than most people think, is known as talocruralpantaloonlocophobia.

Curious, we decided to conduct a study.

One thing we know for sure: When it comes to restroom habits the concept of sequencing is of vital importance. Fact: Persons exiting restroom stalls with their pants up and belts secured are doing it wrong.

The correct procedure, of course, is to shuffle from the stall and wash hands thoroughly, with soap and water, before getting dressed.

Have you ever seen anyone in a public restroom do this? This empirical hunch was clearly reflected in our study (see inset chart) that found a compliance rate of less than one percent. With a margin of error of five percent, that means as few as negative 4% of people may actually be washing their hands before pulling up their trousers.

When you stop to consider how many folks wash their hands at all in public restrooms (see: handrails, feces) the importance of this study becomes clear. Reminder: Intensive Care Unit (ICU) doctors are among the worst for hand-washing compliance rates. Good to know!

Our conclusion: Everyone should protect themselves with a full-body fully-sealed protective suit at all times. Anything less would be uncivilized.