Candy Crushing

candy-crushHey, have you heard the latest? There’s a game called Candy Crush Saga for your handheld device.

Behold! I give you the ultimate evil in the galaxy!

I installed the damn thing once. By doing so I think I earned a few “Dino bucks” in my dino wranglin’ game, but that’s another story.

I opened the game and played a level. I found the motif totally inane and annoying. The game itself was vapid and uninspired. I said to myself, “Hey, self! Isn’t this game just a rip-off variation of those 42 million other games where you match and line shit up so more shit will fall down?”

I promptly deleted it from my device. What a stupid piece of shit, I thought. Luckily I’ll never have to hear of it again.


Wikipedia calls this type of game a “match-three puzzle video game.” I call it Bejeweled, a game originally released for computer browsers back in 2001. Really? Has it really been that long? I feel old.

As is often the case in capitalism, it is the ripper who becomes the greatest douchbag about ripping that the world has ever seen. I guess it takes one to know one.

The paradigm of the game is simple: They let you play a little bit for free then give you a choice. You can wait X number of minutes … or …. you can click that little button in your device that has glommed onto your wallet and kiss 99 cents goodbye and get it now.

After all, it’s “only” 99 cents, right? But that money is gone forever and those little “in-game” purchases can add up.

Apparently some people voluntarily choose to bleed their wallets into a company named King which is based in the United Kingdom. (Awwwww! Not China? Not Russia? Not Nigeria? Sometimes the world just doesn’t make sense, dammit!)

I read a news article today that that King is clearly over $1 million a day in profit from this stupid piece of shit game based on a concept that was ripped off from someone else.

candyMost people, I think, would tend to be pleased with $1 million a day. In profit. The King, however, is not satisfied. “Want more,” King say.

To that end, King reportedly secured a trademark on the word “candy” from the European Union. In the United States the company is waiting for their trademark to be approved.

King recently began flexing it’s trademark muscles by issuing “take down notices” and forcing the removal of apps from app stores based on “intellectual property infringements” because they used the word candy. How in the hell can a single word be trademarked? How in the hell is the use of a single word an “infringement?”

I submit that evil like this is only possible in a capitalist-based world where, for example, things like corporations are claimed to be persons. Yes, corporations eat and poop and take various forms of evil, but there is slightly more to it than that.

Besides app stores King is also reportedly going ofter the makers of clothing that use the word “candy.”

The super-popular smartphone game Candy Crush Saga now not only owns all your free time but your language as well. The game’s maker, the aptly named King, just had their trademark approved over the use of the word candy in video games, clothing, gambling services, amusement parks and pretty much everything else.

Source: – Candy Crush Just Trademarked Candy

Capitalism sure gives people wacky ideas.

In closing: “Candy, candy, candy, candy, candy.” I show my back on the King! I will not bend a knee! This story is even sicker than the freaky shit that comes out of the mind of George R. R. Martin and he knows a thing or two about Kings.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with my lawyers concerning my attempt to trademark the word “the.” Enjoy it while you can!

BREAKING! Go here to join the opposition and take the pledge of obedience!
Facebook – Sweet Treat Pulverize

10 responses

  1. So what’s going to happen to girls named Candy? I guess they’ll have to spell their names with an “i” to avoid a nasty lawsuit. *grin*


    1. Clever defense. If not, they’ll likely be crushed into gelatin for use in the official Candy Crush Saga candy product. Yep, they do that. They actually make real candy. In real life. And sell it and stuff. That’d be like Pac-Mac making pills or Donkey Kong selling flaming barrels.

      Greed much?

      I sure hope there aren’t any strippers out there named Candy Saga because they’ll really be screwed!


      1. Especially if their forte is candy cane pole dancing.


  2. I know nothing of this game of which you speak.
    And plan to keep it that way.


    1. I envy your ignorance. Such simple wisdom.


  3. I don’t see how any company can trademark a word. That’s outrageous. I was told that a title can’t be copyrighted, so how can a word? I played “Farmville” for a while, I’m embarrassed to admit, because I wanted to “bond” with relatives and friends who asked me to play. Of course, they ditched the game, leaving me a bit obsessed on my own. I broke my addiction. I briefly tried some Crime Solving game at these same relatives’ request (I’m a sucker, what can I say?) which also said you could pay $ to speed up the game. It was one of those find the hidden clues games, which I enjoyed in my childhood and still apparently do. But I quickly broke away without spending any money. Hurrah for me.

    Look, if I’m going to waste money, I’ll buy a Powerball ticket. And if I’m going to waste time, you know where you can find me — on twitter!

    Here’s where I tangled with copyright issues with no less a personage than Mark Twain (actually his minions.)


    1. I think I could get on board with a company trademarking their own word, like “Zynerkiwomba” or something. But not single common everyday words. That’s malarkey!

      I’ve written in the past about my opinion of the pay-as-you-go carrot and stick strategy of modern video games. In some cases you can spend $99 for in-game currency which, once gone, still leaves you with a crippled product. The games simply are not worth that much.

      I remember your Mark Twain story. Good stuff! I present myself as a modern everyman Mark Twain. I’ll never give you copyright issues so have at it! 🙂


    2. Did you take the Pledge of Obedience? You already seem to be in compliance so why the hell not? 🙂


  4. Snoring Dog Studio | Reply

    Yeah, man – Candy this! I don’t play a single computer or smartphone game. I loathe them. Such time wasters. However, there are some games that do give your brain a good cognitive workout. But I still don’t have time to mess with them. I do the good old fashioned crossword puzzle in the paper every day.


    1. One of my favorite games for the iPad is called Flow. It’s what the iPad was born to do. Pure, simple logic without all of the hype and social media vulturism. I have taken a sworn oath to beat the entire game using no hints. I want to have some accomplishments handy when I meet Saint Peter at the pearly gates.


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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