San Diego Chargers Playoff Picks

Any team responsible for this will enjoy success in the NFL.

Any team responsible for this will enjoy success in the NFL. Strike that. Reverse it. Commitment to ex-lax.

Sure, football is stupid, only a game, and something certain so-called manly men do to squeeze precious nectar of testosterone out of their nutsacks like an orange on a juicer.

In other words, you have come to the right place for inciteful NFL postseason analysis.

It’s the playoffs.

Those of you who caught my microblog on Twitter of the San Diego Chargers vs. The Denver Broncos already know what to expect. I’m going to hit it and I’m going to hit it hard.

The San Diego Chargers could have beaten Peyton Manning and The Denver Broncos in Mile High Stadium if they had followed my carefully developed strategy. Since Peyton’s offense was too powerful, my advice was to not field a defense and allow the Broncos to score at will. (This is essentially what happened.) Then, when on offense, the Chargers could break out their secret weapon and run the fake punt on first down. Every first down of the game.

–Tom B. Taker

Alas, the Chargers failed to heed my advice, so I’m forced to offer my predictions for the rest of the playoffs.

Tom’s Sports Law #42
No team that lost to this year’s Chargers will win the Super Bowl.

Let’s take a look, shall we?

Conference Championships

New England Patriots @ Denver Broncos

This, like a concussion to your favorite QB’s noggin, is a no-brainer. The Patriots didn’t face the Chargers this year so we don’t know how much they really suck. But we do know that the Broncos lost to the Chargers on Thursday, Dec. 12, even on their home turf.

Yes, the Patriots and Broncos faced each other (Patriots won) but that’s irrelevant.

Prediction: Patriots. (Because the Denver Broncos lost to the San Diego Chargers.) Sorry, Peyton. You don’t get to pull a John Elway.

San Francisco 49ers @ Seattle Seahawks

Ouch. This hurts. Two of my west coast teams are forced to cannibalize each other. One team moves on and the other will be be America’s Next Top Model. That’s not fair.

This prediction is tricky because neither team faced the San Diego Chargers. That means there is absolutely no way to predict the outcome.

It is true, however, that the Seahawks lost to the Indianapolis Colts who lost to the Chargers. That’s one level of extrapolation but it still counts. Ah, shit. The 49ers also lost to the Colts, rendering that indicator absolutely useless.

Tiebreaker rules apply: The team physically closest to San Diego automatically loses.

Prediction: Seahawks.

Super Bowl

New England Patriots at Seattle Seahawks

Prediction: Patriots. It’s two teams that didn’t face the Chargers so, sadly, again it comes down to the tiebreaker rule. The Patriots will crush the Seahawks. Sorry, west coast.

The Abyss offers congratulations to the New England Patriots, winners of 2014 Super Bowl XLVIII in East Rutherford, New Jersey. You’re going to Disneyland. (Which is alarming close to San Diego.)

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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