I can haz educashun?

Devices in the classroom? What could possibly go wrong?

Attention class! Eyes up here. Settle down, now! No, Siri is not allowed to say the Pledge of Allegiance on your behalf. We don’t offer citizenship by proxy. Yet. You just might be missing the point. And devices down before putting Siri and/or your hand over your heart.

Say what? Devices you say? In school? What fresh hell is this?

Okay, class. Who was the first president of the United States, often referred to as the father of our country? All together now, in unison, just like Wilma and Betty:

Google it!!!

Well done, class. iTunes credit for everyone! Except little Timmy, there, who’s family can’t even afford an iPhone 5s. Ha ha! Use the social media network of your choice, except Facebook (which is passé), to shame him and/or encourage him to commit suicide.

WTF? Why are there devices in class? Parents. Bonus round: Who are the least qualified people to have children? Parents!

Why should children carry devices, not only on school grounds, but into class itself? Because, parents say, what if there was, God forbid, an emergency? Mommy and/or daddy need to be able to get a hold of their little ones at a moment’s notice. All other concerns, like education and socialization, are secondary. No one else on the planet is able to do what parents can do remotely by phone which is, what again? Solve complicated crises by remote control using the sheer power of their minds?

Try to enact a school policy against devices and it is the parents who will organize, protest and sue to stop you. This army of redshirting freaks always knows best. And, goddammit, my kid is getting an Easter Egg no matter what.

To think, when I was a kid, it was considered a luxury to have a mere programmable calculator with a screen that could plot graphs in class.

This all begs the questions: If minors use devices on school property to record video of other minor children, what should happen to the video? Do school administrators have the right to confiscate devices? Do they have the right to review and delete video? Do they have the right to look through your child’s chat history and review contacts? Can they transfer DinoBucks from one Jurassic Park to another?

My iSpidey sense is tingling. Somehow I smell more lawsuits and protests.

You don’t have the right to look at my kid’s phone. You can’t delete his video! That shit might go viral, yo. My kid has rights!

What about the rights of the minor child in the video, the one who was being bullied and/or breaking the law and did not give his consent?

Fuck him. Why don’t you just give us some knives and let us parents handle this ourselves? You know, parent style.

Why not? You’ve done a real good job of handling things so far.

Something goes down in the gym. The devices are whipped out faster than a flasher in the drive-thru and every child starts recording video. Teachers and school officials ask/demand that the kids immediately stop. Here’s the good part: None of them do. Obedient little fuckers, eh?

Who owns the video? Who has the rights here? Do minor children have the right to have devices on them 24/7 no matter what? (They don’t.) Why are children allowed to have devices on school property at all? Like ever? Why is the road to Hell paved with good intentions and half measures? Who will be the next victim of social media bullying? Why are abandoned concrete structures left unguarded, readily nearby and why do they make such great launch platforms for suicidal children? Why are children so mean in the first place? Where did they learn that?

No easy answers except, perhaps, no devices allowed at school. And that’s the one thing we can never have.