Monthly Archives: December, 2013

Do you need change?

changeIt had been an enjoyable meal. At least until it all went sideways.

The waitress approached our table, looked me directly in the eye and said, “Do you need change?”

Wait. What? You don’t even know me! How dare you?

I had to admit, though. She was right. I did need change. A lot of it. I decided to start with a slice of New York cheesecake (is there any other kind?) drizzled with strawberry syrup.

Luckily 2014 was right around the corner and I’d soon have the opportunity to issue false platitudes and reassuring justifications to myself and pretend that I’d try to improve.

Since she was there, I decided to ask her for her assessment and she gave me the following list.
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The Great Vain Snobbery: Area Effects

snobberyOur scientists have identified three distinct phases of Christmas: Before, During and After.

We all know about The Before. This is the land of advent calendars, interminable waiting, day-based countdowns and dropping hints. Not much else of interest here.

The During, of course, is sublime. This is what it’s all about. Ripping open presents and experiencing that fleeting moment of glee. This phase usually lasts less than 20 minutes.

So, what’s left? Just The After. This is where boredom sets in. Shiny objects have a luster half-life akin to that of beryllium-8 aka 81.9 seconds. This is also the domain of “only 364 days until next Christmas” and “you’re already late on buying Valentine’s Day candy.”

There is, however, one saving grace of The After. I’m talking about, of course, snubbery, snobbery and bragissimo. Let’s compare our gifts!
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Will Windows Phone 7 save the world?

Where is the love? Not on this blog post, that’s for sure. Let he who is without love click the first LIKE button. Or something like that.

Shouts from the Abyss

This post is an abyss-style product review. What that means, of course, is that I’ll criticize a product I’ve never used, seen or touched.

When we last heard from the Windows Phone it was featured in a humorous ad campaign that promised to “save us from our phones.”

Well, how did it do?

The new ad campaign features people doing Important Things. In one commercial a parent is about to attend their child’s soccer game. In another a person is out clubbing.

In each case, however, before the people enjoy the real life activity at hand, they have to check their Windows Phone 7 to make sure all is well with the online world before engaging in some real life.

The clubbing commercial is particularly telling. Although the man is on a dance floor in a target-rich environment, he has to check his “Xbox LIVE” before he can even think…

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Phil Robertson Meets Madonna in Culture War, “Political Correctness”

I seem to remember something about Bob Costas making comments regarding guns during, God forbid, a football broadcast. Where were the banners for “free speech” back then? Where were the enemies of political correctness?

That Logic is Gay

Humans tend to get into trouble when failures of logic fail to kill them.

That’s because a logic failure that doesn’t produce death is interpreted by our evolutionary brains as “success.” The more complex the logic the greater the opportunity for a false assumption of a logic win.

That’s all. Let’s explore our sexualities together a simple example.

“Gay people can’t reproduce.”

Orly?

That must make managing teh gay very, very easy. Simply cull from the herd anyone missing reproductive organs, right?
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Breaking News: Weather affects cars

news-coverage-graphI remain committed to producing the best quality graphs based on made-up data to support my inane points regarding the issues I really care to rant about.

What does this mean to you? Not much. Hey, just like the local evening news! I think I’m onto something here.

Our top story tonight. Ominous fluffy clouds, pregnant with expectation (and moisture), have birthed innumerable litters of chubby drops that the WeatherTrac9000 computer calls “rain.” These drops are currently on a collision course with the place most of us live. The WeathTrac9000 calls that place the “ground.” We are currently projecting that these drops of mostly water will make the ground “wet.”

We start our exclusive News42 team coverage with Alex on remote location standing by a street. Alex?

…three seconds of awkward silence from Alex as he stares into the camera with a fake grin plastered on his face not realizing yet that he’s already on…

That’s right, Cassandra. Weather is coming to a street near you and it is pissed off. I’ll step aside to see if we can get a shot of this. You can clearly see drops of water hitting this street. And that is creating a dangerous situation that leaves some drivers out in the cold.

Earlier today this was the scene, with street surfaces wet. In one case, we found a car pulled over on the side of the road with its blinkers on. That driver was forced to sit and wait and hope that conditions would improve.

Even worse conditions may already be on the way. For that we go to Marko in the WeatherTrac9000 Weather Center. Marko?

That’s right, Alex. We are currently projecting alternating periods of light and dark at approx. 12 hour intervals until further notice. This means some rain may be less visible at certain times. Viewers are advised to remain on this channel for the latest updates as they become available.

For the intelligence-impaired here’s tonight’s Weather-Pick-Toe-Graph. This patented WeatherTrac9000 system helps those suffering from small brain syndrome to help prepare for the weather. Tonight’s picture: The Gorton’s Fishman in bright yellow slickers including full-frontal hoodie. We’re showing him holding a ship’s steering wheel but you don’t actually have to have one of your own.

For the rest of you I will now show lots of slides and animations and maps and use a lot meteorological words for eight full minutes of our 16-minute broadcast (not counting commercials).

So this is Christmas

tree3Ah. Christmas morning. Most of the drama and family fights are now officially in the books so it’s a nice, quiet foggy morning (no snow) to pause and reflect about what it all really means.

Scratch that. I’ve got a blog to run!

I thought I’d engage Ghost Protocol and revisit some blogs of Christmas past. What’s my Abyss trend on this particular day of the year?

Last year, on Christmas 2012, I went freestyle and blathered about what it means to be offended. Obviously I was thinking the big thoughts. For me, that pretty much covers any thought that isn’t, “Hey, look. A tweet!” Long story short, the post was about my boss. Surprise.

Digging deep, I pulled up the post from Christmas 2011. This one was about road rage, cigarettes thrown out of car windows by thoughtless drivers, my wife flipping the bird at some teens, and a flashback about some miscreants throwing a burger at my car. Good times!

For Christmas 2010 things went slightly against the grain. For that was the year I published the headline, “Tom B. Taker dies in helicopter accident.” It ran with a photograph of my new remote control helicopter crashed on the roof of the house. Boy, was my wife mad. It turned out to be one of my most visited posts ever. What, I wonder, should I infer from that?

Finally, all the way back on Christmas 2009, I posted the heartwarming Christmas tale that I called, “How does a rat get in your toilet?”

I couldn’t find any Christmas day posts published on my blog before 2009. Apparently, before then, I was a bit more normal.

My point is that by studying my post history on previous Christmas days, I hope it is clear like a shining beacon of light for all to see the humility, reverence and grace with which I have approached this most important day.

I hope yours is a good one!