Black Friday Deals Week

Businesses are out promoting and conducting “Black Friday” sales more than a week before Thanksgiving?

Inconceivable!

Black Friday is, by simple definition, the day after Thanksgiving. It is decidedly not the day before. It is not an entire weekend. And, in the name of Zeus’ butthole, it is not the entire third week of November.

Your attempts to redefine the day to satisfy your own insatiable greed is crass and immoral. You know, contrary to that whole Christmas spirit thing which is, if you think about it, the real reason for the season.

I’ve often thought about taking a crack at the retail game myself. My spin would be to insult the fuckshit out of my customer. Yeah, I think that is the approach that would work for me. My style would be loosely based on Dick’s Last Resort Restaurant only on steroids and much more likely to cause my clientele to break out the nunchakus.

Instead of a button on my website called “Place Your Order” my checkout would say something different. “Idiot Want Stuff?” is a top contender. Or, perhaps, “Monkey want banana? Monkey see button. Monkey push button! Monkey get banana.”

Mmm, mmm! Banana!

My store would have a “no bullshit” policy. For example, “If we say it’s in stock, go ahead and push button, monkey. We have it. If not, we’ll give you the motherfucker for free. That’s our no bullshit guarantee.”

The point is, at least I’d be insulting you to your face with dignity, honor, style and grace. I wouldn’t do it like all sneaky subversive like the rest of those namby pamby “Black Friday” giants like Walmart, Best Buy, Kmart, JC Penney, Old Navy, etc. Big box? That’s what we’ll need to bury them in, yo.

Just remember that from the moment they’ve attempted the Black Friday gambit they’ve already insulted you right to you face. And you lap it up like Babe being led to the bacon farm.

I decided to run some more of their bullshit through the universal translator to find out what these stores really think about the marks, fish and dupes who decide to go shopping in the hollow halls. This is all part of my commitment to edification of you, the lowly loyal reader.

Universal translator ready. Waiting for input.

Gratuitously placed here under the tenuous grouping of things that don’t make sense. There’s no such thing as a “naughty” virgin.

Input: Black Friday Deals Week
Output: We think you’re so stoopid that you won’t notice how we turned a historical sale day into a whole week. Additionally that week will take place a whole week out of the space-time continuum. You have no intelligence. You are our customer. We don’t think you’ll notice.

Input: Door Buster Savings
Output: We’ll pit you against other shoppers in a Hunger Games battle to the death. Yeah, like hungry for savings! Bonus: It will involved urbanized “camping” on our sidewalk. (Some people are reportedly already waiting “in line” more than a week early.) Man, you dweebs are losers. You’ll probably be distracted by the fact that no actual doors get busted, too.

Input: Our Best Sale of the Year!
Output: We assume you are too moronic to notice that we have “sales” every 15 minutes. We regard you as nothing more than Pavlovian dogs. When we say sale, you salivate. (That’s an anagram for SALE VAT I. Those are grease traps where we collect your spittle and sell it to McDonalds for them to use to deep fry pink slime food waste which they then sell back to you as “burgers” and “nuggets.” This is known as the Nutrition Cycle.)

Input: Black Friday Deals All Weekend
Output: This is a variation on the Black Friday Week gambit. It’s the idea that Friday can be stretched to last 72 hours. None of our shoppers are high school graduates, right? Studies show that the lower the intelligence the higher the savings!

Input: Open on Thanksgiving Day
Output: We know you don’t have anything better you could be doing. We are the Borg. Resistance is futile. You are a piece of shit consumer. From this moment on you will service Us. Sorry, no dinner for you. Mom is busy at the store. For your convenience our brothers and sisters in the fast food industry are also being forced to work on this deeply meaningful and personal holiday. You can haul your ass out of the hot for special sauce and chicken-like nuggets, right? See, we’re forging new traditions that will stand the test of time. It’s fucking Norman Rockwell, yo.

Input: Black Friday Savings All Month Long
Output: No translation needed. We admit this whole thing is one big fucking lie.

Input: Storewide Savings
Output: We raised prices before marking things down so the percentage of “savings” could be even higher. We know this will whip you into a zombie-like frenzy. Because you have no … brains.

Input: Big. Incredible. Save. Premium. Free. Savings. Low Prices. Unbeatable. Hot. Deals.
Output: All meaningless words that communicate no actual information and are completely unregulated by the government and, even if regulations existed, would never ever be enforced. Lies and misleading obfuscation are the only rules that apply. The only thing thankful on this holiday is our coffers.

Input: Black Friday
Output: A made-up term that signifies an immoral day ostensibly designed to help people celebrate a moral holiday by buying planned obsolescence shit made in China by underpaid workers who hate their jobs, are subject to abuse and don’t enjoy the same safe working conditions and protections as Americans. This entire scenario is further undermined by the belief that the only way to celebrate the birth of the savior is by purchasing and consuming stupid crap that is environmentally unfriendly to the planet we call home. Welcome home. In the promised land money does buy love. The Beatles were way off base with that bullshit.

Conclusion: Enjoy your shopping you foaming-at-the-mouth idiots. May you enjoy smelling, pushing, hurting, stabbing, clubbing, shooting and trampling one another.

Remember: This is them talking (through the universal translator). Not me. I think you’re all as bright as ergonomically-designed curly 20 watt bulbs, now available in festive holiday red and green.

Merry Christmas! Ho ho ho!