During my illustrious Twitter career there have been some recurring motifs. If I was George Lucas I’d likely call them “notes.” Like my Twitter is some kind of minuet or something.


The self-memes include things like Tombstone Authoring, Demotivational Dictionary, Bucket List and so much more. You, of course, won’t have any clue since you ignore my Twitter which is where the vast majority of my comedic goodness goes to die. And deservedly so.

The notes I’ve decided to share today deal with my “Autobiography” meme. And midi-chlorians. Lots and lots of midi-chlorians.

I am the chosen the one. The one who will bring unbalance to the farce.

Without further ado, bring on the notes!

They are presented here, unedited and unabridged, in their original glory, sorted by newest to oldest. A graph is provided to aid your understanding.

Looks like 2014 will be a banner year for talking about myself. Apparently age brings a desire to manufacture legacy. You'll find my life in the Fiction aisle.

If the trend continues it looks like 2014 will be a banner year for talking about myself. Apparently increases in age bring a desire to manufacture legacy. You’ll find my life in the Fiction aisle.

I have finally settled on a title for my autobiography. “Waiting Too Long To Pee.”

My six-word #biography. “Gave up so I wouldn’t fail.” #sixwords

Wanted: Seeking author to write my autobiography and photographer to take my selfie for the jacket bio.

Scrabbled For Purchase: The Tom B. Taker Story. #autobiography

Never One To Be Undaunted: The Tom B. Taker Story. #autobiography

My #autobiography will be called Unhindered Umbrage.

Title of my autobiography: One Crayon Short of a Rainbow

Sorry. I’m all about the #sloth. My autobiography is an exploration in sloth. @mybigblondelife

My lawyers will be in touch. “Tedious Sincerity” is the name of my soon-to-be-released autobiography. @mybigblondelife

Work on my newest autobiography is underway! I’m calling it: “Familiarity Breeds Contempt.” #literary #ftw

Hint: My autobiography makes an excellent Christmas gift. Look on Amazon for “Tom B. Taker – Memoirs of a Life Less Lived.” #festive

I told my wife to write down everything I’m saying. “Why,” she asked. For my biography, “Last Words Before The Infection Killed My Brain.”

I’m going to write a best-selling autobiography. It’ll be about someone else.

Demotivational Dictionary – memoirs: A fictional autobiography. #definitions

Twitter is the perfect venue for my upcoming autobiography. Look for it soon. I’ll probably only need half of the 140 characters allowed.

Autobiography: Surprise mom and dad. Uneventful childhood. Mediocre youth and adult life. Nothing noteworthy. Painful death. Unremembered.

2 responses

  1. If you put all these into book form and sold it on Amazon, I’d buy it for 99 cents. If you autographed a copy for me, I’d buy it for a buck.

    You’re worth that much to me.


    1. Thanks. Now we know the value of my autograph. That 99 cents sounds pretty good, though. I believe Amazon’s cut is 98 cents so I’d be rich. It sounds a lot easier than actually getting off my ass and walking around to find a penny that someone dropped and didn’t give enough of a shit to pick up.


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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