Craigslist – Gigs / Help Wanted: Personal Assistant
There’s an opening for a personal assistant on Team Guru.
The candidate must be experienced with “assisting” and being “personal.” The candidate will be enthusiastic, energetic, shameless and pathetic. Females 18+ only.
The successful candidate will be able to hold multiple positions on my staff while demonstrating a firm grasp of outstanding issues and anything that comes up.
A Ph.D. is preferred but candidates with Master’s degrees will be considered if they are proficient with magna cum laude.
Duties include (but are not limited to):
- Manage inventory of Viagra for just-in-time delivery at “distribution center” at my desk
- Make homemade Chicken McNuggets using only white meat
- Coordinate Guru’s busy schedule and travel itinerary
- Clean toilets
- Handwash underwear
- Make coffee
- Take dictation
- Pre-chew all gum
- Serve as ergonomic ottoman
- Edit blog posts
- Take messages
- Give massages
- Offer opinion on all tweets
- Spam “like” social media as directed
- Participate in friendly pillow fights
- Screen calls especially those from my wife
- Conduct blind taste tests
- Change tapes on hidden camera monitoring system
- Karaoke all lyrics to Radiohead’s Creep often
Requirements: Must be able to lift 50 pounds. Applicants subject to random pee testing. Must be height/weight proportional. Must be able to work long hours closely supervised all alone in a 10’x10′ home office. Must be comfortable with the human body and nudity. Being ticklish is a plus.
This is a non-salaried internship position. The hours will be as flexible as your body.
If you are a woman and interested, please feel free to send your head shot and stats (resumés are optional) to me immediately. Candidates must work well with others and may be subjected to a Survivor-style round robin elimination tournament.
If all other requirements are met an interest in actual negativity will be waived.
Ad copy provided by Barely Legal Headhunters, Inc.
I just don’t understand why woman aren’t lining up for this position. *grin*
I know, right? I keep hoping someone will apply so I can take a break. He’s very demanding…or shall I say demented.
Actually, this ad was a secretly-coded plea for help. My wife is keeping me hostage. Help!
Demanding. Demented. Deranged. Looks like he’s clocking all Ds. FAIL!
Perhaps y’all missed the clever wordplay I employed in this ad. “Ass-is-Tant.” Maybe now the resumés will start flowing!
Maybe from “Hookers for Hire Hotline.”
How come a bunch of applicants didn’t send me pictures of their naughty parts? Perhaps I should have specified a male employee, eh?