Help Wanted: Guru Assistant #craigslist

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

Craigslist – Gigs / Help Wanted: Personal Assistant

Here we grow again!

There’s an opening for a personal assistant on Team Guru.

The candidate must be experienced with “assisting” and being “personal.” The candidate will be enthusiastic, energetic, shameless and pathetic. Females 18+ only.

The successful candidate will be able to hold multiple positions on my staff while demonstrating a firm grasp of outstanding issues and anything that comes up.

A Ph.D. is preferred but candidates with Master’s degrees will be considered if they are proficient with magna cum laude.

Duties include (but are not limited to):

• Manage inventory of Viagra for just-in-time delivery at “distribution center” at my desk
• Make homemade Chicken McNuggets using only white meat
• Coordinate Guru’s busy schedule and travel itinerary
• Clean toilets
• Whorehousing
• Handwash underwear
• Make coffee
• Take dictation
• Pre-chew all gum
• Serve as ergonomic ottoman
• Edit blog posts
• Take messages
• Give massages
• Offer opinion on all tweets
• Spam “like” social media as directed
• Participate in friendly pillow fights
• Screen calls especially those from my wife
• Conduct blind taste tests
• Change tapes on hidden camera monitoring system
• Karaoke all lyrics to Radiohead’s Creep often

Requirements: Must be able to lift 50 pounds. Applicants subject to random pee testing. Must be height/weight proportional. Must be able to work long hours closely supervised all alone in a 10’x10′ home office. Must be comfortable with the human body and nudity. Being ticklish is a plus.

This is a non-salaried internship position. The hours will be as flexible as your body.

If you are a woman and interested, please feel free to send your head shot and stats (resumés are optional) to me immediately. Candidates must work well with others and may be subjected to a Survivor-style round robin elimination tournament.

If all other requirements are met an interest in actual negativity will be waived.

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