Daily Archives: October 7th, 2013

Help Wanted: Guru Assistant #craigslist

Craigslist scum

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

Craigslist – Gigs / Help Wanted: Personal Assistant

Here we grow again!

There’s an opening for a personal assistant on Team Guru.

The candidate must be experienced with “assisting” and being “personal.” The candidate will be enthusiastic, energetic, shameless and pathetic. Females 18+ only.

The successful candidate will be able to hold multiple positions on my staff while demonstrating a firm grasp of outstanding issues and anything that comes up.

A Ph.D. is preferred but candidates with Master’s degrees will be considered if they are proficient with magna cum laude.

Duties include (but are not limited to):

  • Manage inventory of Viagra for just-in-time delivery at “distribution center” at my desk
  • Make homemade Chicken McNuggets using only white meat
  • Coordinate Guru’s busy schedule and travel itinerary
  • Clean toilets
  • Whorehousing
  • Handwash underwear
  • Make coffee
  • Take dictation
  • Pre-chew all gum
  • Serve as ergonomic ottoman
  • Edit blog posts
  • Take messages
  • Give massages
  • Offer opinion on all tweets
  • Spam “like” social media as directed
  • Participate in friendly pillow fights
  • Screen calls especially those from my wife
  • Conduct blind taste tests
  • Change tapes on hidden camera monitoring system
  • Karaoke all lyrics to Radiohead’s Creep often

Requirements: Must be able to lift 50 pounds. Applicants subject to random pee testing. Must be height/weight proportional. Must be able to work long hours closely supervised all alone in a 10’x10′ home office. Must be comfortable with the human body and nudity. Being ticklish is a plus.

This is a non-salaried internship position. The hours will be as flexible as your body.

If you are a woman and interested, please feel free to send your head shot and stats (resumés are optional) to me immediately. Candidates must work well with others and may be subjected to a Survivor-style round robin elimination tournament.

If all other requirements are met an interest in actual negativity will be waived.

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