Audible Ejaculations #graph

noiseTelevision commercials used to employ this rather snarky trick. (No doubt they still do, but I eschew commercial-based television so I don’t really know. I’d rather chew off my own leg and/or mate with Miley Cyrus.)

The trick worked like this:

You’d turn on the TV and select a show. You’d adjust the volume to a reasonable and comfortable level for watching the show.

Then, a commercial would come on and the windows would get blown out of your house. Shellshocked, with blood leaking from your ears due to the burst eardrums, you’d scrabble in vain for the remote control and fail. But it didn’t matter because it was already too late.

Like always, advertising is a subtle business with a deft touch.

Advertisers, of course, claimed innocence. “They volume isn’t any higher,” they claimed. Science confirmed this. Instead, what they did, was make sure they continually hit peak volume for the duration of their commercials. It sounds louder to the human ear. And thus, on that technicality, they claimed the moral higher ground. Of course, we all know that advertisers never lie. What? I can’t hear you. My fingers are in my ears. La la la la la la la!

Then I moved to a house with no air conditioning. As such, for the first time in my life, I spent a summer with the windows open. O! What a world of noise and smell.

I learned that there are a lot of people who absolutely do not give the remotest of shits about showing any consideration whatsoever to other human beings. They, apparently, are only aware of a society of one. They probably call it Numero Uno or The Mental States of Me, Myself and I.

Rap music can never be too loud. Nothing wrong with a lawn mower at 10:30pm on a work night. Car alarms are not supposed to be turned off. They make an enjoyable sound. Neighbors loving hearing your phone calls and arguments. Shooting guns is appreciated by all.

The only thing that matters is the wants of the individual. Everyone else can fuck off and die, perhaps become roadkill and get nibbled on by vultures and friendly decomposing organisms. Yum.

Then I put it all together and realized that the noise generated by humans is just like those television commercials. Their noise asshole factor is a function of two variables: How much noise they make and how long they can sustain it.

I have created a graph (of course) to illustrate the concept.


2 responses

  1. Hooray for graphs! I’d heard that Supreme Commander Obama had signed some “commercial volume law” that made maxing out of ad-volumes illegal. If I only had some way to readily search all of human knowledge quickly and specifically for certain information….

    Okay, I’m back — apparently, your broadcasters are OUT OF BOUNDS. Note there are no penalties for being out of bounds.

    I’m glad you have nice people drinking.


    1. CALM. Har har. I get it. Did you know the guy in Washington who writes acronyms for legislation makes like $500k a year? Or so I assume. Because, CALM!

      I came up with one, too, and it’s so close it’s spooky. CLAM. Cram Loud Advertising Mitigation.

      You’re apparently the only one who got the graph. I knew I made it too scientific!


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