Neutral Universe Theory

Behold my latest creation: Neutral Universe Theory. Or, as I like to call it, NUT.

I scientifically debated calling it Negativity Universe Theory. It would have been just as nutty. But, in the end, the word “negativity” implies a point of view and I don’t think the Universe really gives that much of a shit. Besides, like I’ve always said, recognizing that things are the way they are isn’t negative at all. It’s known as “reality.” A little place you should visit sometime.

So what’s in the Universe? Matter and energy. Like Carl Sagan said, we’re made of the same “stuff” as stars. Hand in hand with this is the Law of the Conservation of Energy which states “the total energy of an isolated system cannot change – it is said to be conserved over time.”

Therefore, the stuff in the Universe is a zero sum game. Nothing is created or destroyed. It just gets reorganized.

What else can be found in the Universe? Besides matter and energy? A core component of NUT is the belief in life and all that goes with it. Things like emotion, thought, and pain. “I hurts, therefore I exist. Sometimes I just hurts.” This is the realm of all that is not energy and is not matter. It’s something else.

For lack of a better word let’s give this touchy-feely crap the label “consciousness.”

Some people belief (loosely or firmly) in concepts loosely related to one definition or another of “karma.” One of these could be the belief that there is some sort of accounting system surrounding acts of consciousness. The theory is that good deeds might go into a cosmic account and what goes around will come around.

NUT rejects this concept. Primarily because it implies a sense of justice, fair play and/or the unseen hand of invisible entities meddling in mundane human affairs. And somehow caring which way things go.

NUT takes a more pragmatic view. You might call it The Law of the Conservation of Consciousness. It assumes that within the Consciousness Sphere that every action always causes an equal and opposite reaction. Once again it’s a zero sum game.

To test my hypothesis (before I decided it was a law) I did a fair amount of experimentation. After a particularly good deed some random punks threw a traffic cone at a random guy riding his bike down the street. They broke in half his two front teeth.

I ceased good deed experimentation at this point out of ethical concerns. I didn’t want to be responsible for someone getting killed.

I then tried the reverse approach. (Remember, I’m a trained professional. Do not try this at home.) I went out and did some jackass shit. The day, someone won the Powerball.

Conclusion: No matter what you do, you’re fucked. NUT automatically makes sure of that. Acts of consciousness don’t go to some magical bank account of karma. They immediately get conserved onto some hapless random party.

My advice? Live with a zero consciousness footprint. This goes for carbon, too. There could be a spillover effect. And never poop. Just hold it in. Don’t worry. If you do this long enough you’ll naturally achieve true balance.