The year is 2008. You’ve just joined the ranks of hardy souls dotted across the great American fruited plain who are known as entrepreneurs. You go out buy a van for your youngling business and emblazon your stupid company name in colorful graphics on the side. And then, because you want to project an image of stability, you add a little something extra.

“Since 1963.”

Not bad. You’re only lying by 45 years. That’s especially impressive since you haven’t even lived on the planet that long. You don’t need to tell the truth. You’re a small business owner! Actual patience and hard work is for idiots. You earn your money the new-fashioned way.

If you’re going to lie, why play small ball? Go so big and audacious that it’ll never occur to anyone to question the lie. It’s like you’re Darth Vader, your company is the Empire, and the lie is your own personal Death Star. “We’ll blow your wallet up.”

By the way, this is exactly one of the plot points in the movie Sunshine Cleaning. Look it up. I never forget a lie.

In fact, I was so taken by that lie, I decided to get in on that action myself. Check it out.

We are proud to introduce…

Abyss Inc., Corporation, LLC
Since 2042

“Home of the World’s Best Guru.”

You can trust us. We’re only hiding behind at least three different forms of legal constructs. And a handshake.

Oh, shit. I might be doing it wrong. I guess if one is going to lie about the year one should understand the nature of the timeline. Maybe I should have tried 2013. B.C. Before Corporations. The B.C. could be in the fine print. A font size of -12 picas should do it.

Next up: Advertising. And I intend to ape the very, very best. Fast food.
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