Self Serving Portions

Wow. My boss must be moonlighting as a copywriter for food processing companies. Enjoy the observational humor and wit. “Serving suggestion.” That cracks me up.

“This is only a suggestion, mind you, but we recommend it puts the product in its mouth. Masticate and swallow as necessary. Repeat these steps until product is all gone gone.”

I hope this wisdom will be preserved so thousands of years from now when future archeologists are studying us they’ll be amazed at what we came up with.

Don’t try eating that meat with a spoon. No, no, no. That won’t do at all.

In the Taker household, late at night, basking in the warm glow of the television set, cries of “Treat, treat!” can often be heard.

Household policy dictates that the person who didn’t make dinner (that would usually be me) is in charge of rounding up and serving the evening dessert. Additionally, the person who is receiving the treat gets to make the choice between the two servings. This ensures fair distribution of product. It is strictly prohibited to give yourself a giant bowl of ice cream and pawn off a tiny bowl on your mate. Bad form.

Sometimes, though, when one is feeling particularly cruel and devious, the notion of “servings per container” may come into play. That’s when things really get dicey.

My wife had purchased a processed food product, dessert category, called “Mini Cookies Dipped in Chocolate.” They came in a colorful little tinfoil bag. (I was soon sporting it as a hat but that’s another story.)

I brought her a plate containing two of the cookies. They were just like real cookies, only smaller.

“What the hell is this?” she demanded.

“What can I say? The package says that the serving size is, and I quote, ‘two cookies.'” Thoughtfully I decided to add, “And it’s only 400 calories per serving!”

Long story short, we emptied the package, divided it into two equal piles, then cleaned our plates before heading out in search of “bonus” treats.

You can have fun with product labels, too. It’s easy. Give it a try. Go to the grocery store and find a 1-liter bottle of Coca-Cola. The label proudly announces that a “serving size” is eight (8) ounces at 100 calories. Then, just for giggles, find a 12-ounce can of the same stuff and compare. Suddenly the serving size is “one can.” That’s right. 12 glorious ounces in a single serving. Calories? 140.

8 / 100 = 12.5 calories per serving.

12 / 140 = 11.67 calories pe serving.

Holy shit! Those containers may appear to contain the same stuff but obviously it’s different somehow. My advice? Only drink the shit in the 12-ounce cans. Obviously that’s the shit that’s way better for you. Just this tiny difference could save the average American 42,000 calories per year and that represents a big bite out of our national deficit.

What else can science and math tell you about the processed foods you eat? Maybe even items found in the very grocery store where you shop? Download our free Abyss Junior Scientist Exploration Kit and prepare to embark on many servings of fun! Document your findings and report back for peer review.