How Will You Quit?

Hello, 80-20, my old friend. You still remember me.

Unless you’re a freak, you’ve spent a good portion of time at your current job daydreaming about how you’ll quit.

Not if or when. But how.

It is inevitable. It is unavoidable. It is your destiny.

Quitting is the winning.
–Tom B. Taker

I’m not sure about the point of this exercise, though. It’s not like I’ve ever actually done any of the things I’ve imagined. And, trust me on this, I’ve imagined quite a bit.

Worse, when quittin’ time invariably does roll around, I get all squeamish and nervous and icky and mealymouthed. I don’t enjoy confrontation. Hey! I just had an idea. Is it possible to call in sick for quitting? Now that’s some truly officer thinking.

My wife has been thinking about quitting. (News flash.) This morning she floated the idea about bringing her drumming group in with her to provide accompaniment for the experience. I had to admit that was a fine idea. Beat those drums of war, baby.

Now the wheels in my head are turning. And I want to know:

What exciting plans have you made for how you’ll quit? Even if you’re like me and a big, big chicken, at least you can share here, in the safety of pure negativity, what you would do if you had the guts.

How would you do it? I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

Actually, and this shocks the hell out of me, I don’t really have any plans in this area. I know!

Realizing this almost gave me a heart attack. Apparently I spent so much time being miserable I’ve never bothered to plan, spreadsheet or gantt chart my own employment demise. I really should make a graph about this.

I haven’t completely failed to plan, though. In the event I’m killed by the company my operatives will avenge my death. So I’ve got that going for me.

And, no matter where I am on planet Earth, I’ve arranged things should the need ever arise. If seriously provoked, like a honey badger, I will defend myself. All I need is access to a telephone. One quick phone call, I utter the word “rosebud,” and all company websites and data will automatically be transferred to a Windows computer. And we all know what happens then. Yep. Massive data loss. Blue screen of death, baby. That shit is gone.

As with other mustelids of relatively large size, such as wolverines and badgers, honey badgers are notorious for their strength, ferocity and toughness. They have been known to savagely and fearlessly attack almost any kind of animal when escape is impossible, reportedly even repelling much larger predators such as lions. Bee stings, porcupine quills, and animal bites rarely penetrate their skin. If horses, cattle, or Cape buffalos intrude upon a ratel’s burrow, it will attack them. They are virtually tireless in combat and can wear out much larger animals in physical confrontations. The aversion of most predators toward hunting honey badgers has led to the theory that the countershaded coats of cheetah kittens evolved in imitation of the honey badger’s colouration to ward off predators.

Fortunately I’ve never been provoked to that extent. Yet.

It typically works like this. I get angry. I slap a letter of resignation down on some asshole’s desk. Asshole then says they’d like to pay me more money to stay.

What the fuck?!?

You mean you value my services more than my current rate of pay? Excuse me for asking, but why not just pay me what you think I’m worth in the first place? Oh yeah, that’s right. You were too busy making me lick the bottom of your boot. (Squeaky clean!) Now that my actions might impact your universe suddenly you give a shit. Well boo-fucking-hoo.

I think I’ve digressed a bit. The point is: What thoughts and plans do you have about gloryland, the grass on the other side of the fence, the mystical land of unicorns and rainbows and teddy bears where rivers are made of s’mores? And what is your road map for getting there?

I really wanna know.

One thing is certain, though. No matter how you do it you better record it for the internet.