Last night I thought about the boss and clutched my chest in pain. Other people, I guess, refer to this phenomenon as “the drive home.” To each their own!
Easy come, easy go. Another day another feeling like needles are stabbing your ventricles. It’s all in a day’s work. And required per the Employee Handbook.
Recently someone in a comment here on this very blog revealed that they refer to a coworker as The Manwich. (I’m too lazy to go back and look for the author of this absolutely brilliant comment. Speak up and take a bow.)
Giving pet names to coworkers behind their backs is a time-honored technique for workers dealing with the mind-numbing bullshit of their dreary existence in the pursuit of the almighty dollar.
It’s a practice we honor here now on this Feckless Friday.
Today’s challenge is twofold: Tell us about pet names for cretins in your office and/or tell stories about times when someone stepped in it by using the term within earshot of the victim.
Good times!
Some pet names are ubiquitous Doesn’t every office have a so-called “Dragon Lady” and usually in Human Resources? You may also know this person as “Black Widow.” Your mileage may vary.
In the past I came up with the term “cow orker” to describe the person who proceeded me in the office by a mere two weeks. Thus she naturally concluded that she is my boss. She’s also a bulldozer communicator, pushy as hell, and loves to tell stories about people you don’t know. Casually mention that you saw a hot air balloon on the way to work? She’ll regale you with a tale about how her Uncle Earle bought a piece of property. Laws, yes. That’s called a segue. The way she takes what you say and uses it to launch into something completely unrelated is about as subtle as 10.0 on the richter scale.
Later I found out that the comic strip Dilbert also uses the term “cow orker.” Dammit. Oh well. Obviously great minds think alike. I’m in good company. Twix!
Incidentally, on this blog, the term “coworker” is used to denote the other non-boss person I work with. This is an actual human being who I like and who doesn’t deserved to be dipped alive in a vat of acid. “Cow orker” vs. “Coworker.” If you understand those terms then you can keep track of who I’m talking about.
Sometimes pet names for people we work with can also be variations based on their name. In this manner, Candace becomes “Canned Ass.” And Androy becomes “Android.”
On board the U.S.S. Enterprise there was a hapless (but highly talented) misfit named Lieutenant Reginald “Reg” Endicott Barclay III. The crew had the habit of calling him “Broccoli” behind his back. Until that fateful day when Captain Picard, in an awkward moment, accidentally dropped it to his face. Hilarious!
This is an interactive post. What pet names are you familiar with? And what stories do you have about painfully embarrassing moments when they got used?
Not that any have a shot in hell at dethroning Manwich. That is a name that will live on forever in infamy!
Shouts from the Abyss 
I have a very special name for our Human Resource lady. I call her the BCB. The first and last letters stand for bitch…the middle is the dreaded “c” word and I don’t mean cancer. It’s not a word I use often and mostly cringe when I do hear it. However I make a special exception for her. She is Evil Incarnate.
The nurses I work with are just called “The Bitches,” no further need for explanations.
A female doc was known as the Black Widow. We hung a huge plastic black widow near her desk for Halloween. As we’d walk by her desk we’d say, “Oh my God, watch out for the black widow.” She was also known as Snow Cap. She had the worst case of dandruff and always wore black. Also, also, she was known as Dragon Breath. Holy mother of GOD, what does this woman eat every day?
Another coworker is called “smelly pants.” Oh and she is all kinds of smelly.
Another Doc is know as Snots. He literally walked up to a group of women to discuss an urgent matter, took his bare hand, blew snot into his it and then wiped it on his pants and proceeded to finish the conversation. Every piece of paper he touches it stuck together with snot globules.
The head of IT is known as Man Slut and his office is dubbed the Boom-Boom room.
My immediate supervisor Candice is known as Cand-Ass. She has IBS and had an accident one day at work. She literally pooped her pants (poop…FTW!) Every now and then someone says “Man, I ate too much. I have to take a Cand-Ass.”
So other than “smelly pants” all the above pet names I have created, even the one for the IT guy’s office. And they caught on. And I may someday be fired when they realize who started all this. And I wonder what they call me?!
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I wouldn’t want to be your enemy. What do you call me?
BTW. “Snow Cap.” Wow! That’s awesome. Almost as good as “Manwich.”
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