He Tasks Me


I give the orders around here.

This post is dedicated to The Boss whoever it* may be. Ed.

It happened on a work day. (Holy fuck. Is that the scariest opening ever or what?)

It was the arrival of a package that prompted the fun. The boss stopped everything he was doing. Ooh, a package had arrived.

Must. Open. Now.

His fleshy, grubby and unwashed digits picked up the box and it rotated in his massive NFL-style steroid-induced mitts. A piece of gooey food substance jiggled in his beard as he moved.

“Oh look,” he said. “I got something for you.”

Inside? You guessed it. New business cards for my department, the department where he always claimed I was in charge and had autonomy.

The cards were emblazoned with his name. Not mine. And underneath, the business title was printed. “Manager.”


Some time later he indicated with an explosion of gas that he had a “task” for me.

All hail the task!

“I want a widget,” he grunted.

A widget. Yes. I knew about those. I knew a lot. I knew how to make them but, more importantly, I knew how utterly useless they were. They were objects of consumer interest used to line the boss’ pockets with silver.


This guy!

This was an important task!

To make the widget, I had to make ten decisions.

Some time later, finally, the task was complete. Now came the delicious nectar of a moment where he would review my work.

“It looks great. Just a few things. Change this. Change that. Convert all of these. Minimize this one and maximize that one. The proportions are wrong.”

He hefted the thing up to the table for viewing under the electron microscope.

“Uh huh,” he said garlicly. “I thought so. These could benefit from a realignment of several nanometers.”

He handed the thing back to me. “Fix those ten things and it’ll be perfect.”

And then, almost as if he wanted to snap my neck from the weight of his boot while forcing my face into the shit, he added, “I love teamwork. There is no I in Team. Good job, Tom!”

He tasks me.

*This blog recognizes the existence of the boss as an organism but not as life as we know it.

19 responses

  1. There is no “I” in ream, either.


    1. True, but there’s still plenty of I in Scream.


  2. I wonder what courses he took in college to get to where he is in life. “Be The Douche Bag You’ve Always Wanted To Be”, “Passive Aggressive With Your Co Workers 101”, “Driving Your Employees To The Brink of Suicide Part 1”, “Losing Your Compassion For Others”, “Smug For Losers”…..It’s all there in the county college handbook (the “13th grade”)


    1. I know what he didn’t take. Any classes or training on being a manager. That much is certain.

      I like what you’ve started here. Let’s roll with it!

      College Courses Taken By The Boss

      – Soap Avoidance 101
      – Western Hygiene: A Different View
      – Bulldozer Communication
      – Ethical Boundaries And How To Cross Them
      – Looking Out For #1 To The Nth Degree – And Beyond!
      – Small Business Economics (And How To Avoid Jail Time)

      So many possibilities here! 🙂


      1. Oh, I’ve got a good one for you. Let me post it on my blog! You’ll love it!


      2. Ok, made this post. Maybe you talk your boss into taking some of them. He seems like the gullible type.


    1. Very. Terse. Accurate.

      He got to me yesterday afternoon and driving home my chest hurt. I had to bring to bear all of the calming techniques in my arsenal. Sometimes it’s hard.


  3. Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!


  4. What an amazing … um …. slimeball. Yeesh. Sounds familiar, sadly. 😦 I, too, found my so-called autonomy stripped by a heartless paramecium. One who said I was “gifted but troubled”. Yeah, sure.

    But … speaking of screaming, I’ve tagged you. Just a nod of appreciation and a gesture of commiseration, with no obligation on your part. http://jrosenberry1.wordpress.com/2013/04/19/der-schrei-der-natur.

    Keep your chin up … keep your sense of humor.


    1. The false autonomy/recognition game must surely be of the bigger mind fucks out there. It’s an act of cruelty. To me it’s akin with getting off on stuff like kicking a dog. Why do it?

      Hey, I just noticed the tag. Thanks! And only one page up I see the word “scream.” Fate? Must be!

      Thanks so much! I recently followed you on Twitter and I like what you have to say.

      My motto: “Even when drowning always take time to let your humor shine through.” Words to gargle by.


      1. Hey, I’m an amputee. I’ve had four lung operations. If I didn’t have humor I’d be dead!

        Shoot, I take on a pirate persona when in stores and people are staring. Hard to feel intimidated or embarrassed when you have a swagger. (And a parrot.)

        Thanks for the Twitter follow — I’ve followed back!

        You’re right about the false autonomy game. The person in my memory loved it too. Real sicko. But hey …. that’s DONE.

        Keep up the great blog … I love it, even if I don’t get the time to comment as much as I’d like to. 🙂


    2. Wow. Yeah, you must have an awesome sense of humor. Too bad you waste it here. 🙂

      “Arrrgh, matey. Hard to feel intimidated or embarrassed when you have a swagger. (And a parrot.)”

      Nice. That’s damn quotable! You should make that into one of those motivational posters. I’d hang it in my office!


      1. Well, perhaps I’ll have to work on that! 😉


      2. Here’s a {somewhat sketchy} first attempt at making the quote into art. Enjoy! http://www.picmonkey.com/p/qw5Thd2NE8p


    3. Very nice! Now I kind of feel like your muse. Sorry. Didn’t mean to insult.


      1. [scratching her head] Um …. insult? If you did, I missed it! So, no sweat.

        Hoping the situation with the slime-ball goes better this week. It HAS to, right?


  5. […] And he has funny tweets. He posted about his manager. And what a tool this guy is. The post “He Tasks Me” made me wonder how some of these people make it to the positions they are in or what courses in […]


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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