Stella! Another one of these damn awards jumped in front of my blog! Come out here! Help me take it in the house!
Well, I’ll be hornswoggled! I just won yet another award. We are now in danger of my trophy case generating a gravity field strong enough to implode upon itself and create a quantum singularity that sucks us all off. Oh, what the hell. I’m willing to risk it.
Today’s Blogging Fireworks Award comes to us from sunglasses model and long time bloggy friend Blogdramedy.
Someone told her once that the award exists “to honor the blogs that shock us, inspire us, touch us, or make us laugh.” And she fell for it!
You’re all invited to the After Party. Of course, here in the Abyss, we take the word “after” rather literally, if you know what I mean. So don’t be late for this date with destiny!
Note: This paragraph will end with an exclamation point. No real reason, really. I just want to do that three times in a row!
Now it is my solemn duty, as prescribed the official award rules, to tell you five “meaningful” things about myself and pay it forward to five other bloggers. Oh yes, you’ll very much want to stay tuned for that.
Five Meaningful Things About Myself
- I don’t believe that killing a living creature with a firearm is, in any way, a meaningful act nor does it result in anything resembling a “trophy.” You want a trophy? Wrestle a bear to death and then we’ll talk.
- When I cut my toenails I like to start on the left (with the little piggy who cried “Wee wee!” all the way home) and work my way to the right (to the little piggy who yelled “Movie!” in a crowded firehouse).
- By absolutely no stretch of the imagination am I a writer. But I play one on blog.
- Submitted by my wife: “Tom is open-minded. To most ideas. As long as they are his own and not anyone else’s.”
- I am innately good and ethical. Way too motherfucking ethical. And I don’t like profanity, either. Also the most humble son of a bitch who ever lived. Ever.
Fun-Filled Guru Factoids
- Tied for the world record – Least number of Olympic gold medals: zero. But it’s only a matter of time until that record is shattered by some upcoming snot nose.
- Sucked on less bong hits than Michael Phelps. This is documented!
- Cheated on less wives than Tiger Woods.
- Tweetered less pictures of his penis than Anthony Weiner and Brett Favre – combined!!!
- Ate a box of Wint-O-Green Lifesavers every day for an entire year.
And the Five Nominees Are
For outstanding in their field work and excellence in blogging, the following have been selected to receive the Blogging Fireworks Award.
- Polysyllabic Profundities – “Random thoughts with sporadically profound meaning.” A beautiful place featuring the beautiful thoughts of a beautifully creative writer.
- Blurt – “Some words that have to come out of me.” The man who will one day steal my wife. I know because she’s already planning it.
- Guapola – “The Asylum Within The Asylum. And music!” A blog that consistently entertains and enthralls. And he’s named after my cat. That makes him The Catfather.
- Me, Myself and I – “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger.” Self-described as “spew” with a wonderful sense of humor.
- Stevil – “Death Before Sour Mix.” He claims to have a Ph.D. but I still like him.
Lastly, I just can’t say enough about Blogdramedy and I’d gladly nominate her for this award, but I got it from her, and thought would just feel unnatural. Let’s just call this one Lifetime Achievement, shall we?
Because it contains the word “Boom” please enjoy the following musical selection. I think it is one of their best songs if you can get past the goofy guy who keeps trying to steal the limelight. What’s up with that?
Big toe to small, right foot. Move to left, repeat.
There’s a plan? Have you seen it and is it very Wile E. Coyote?
She just received a package from Acme Corp. That does not bode well.
Thanks Tom!! That made me smile today and I needed that!!
You’re welcome! Besides propping doors open, keeping papers from flying away and holding up feet, that’s what I’m here for.
Tom, I made a mistake. I have to retract this award and give you the award you were originally meant to have. The “Flogging” Fireworks Award.
It comes with its very own wet noodle.
And when you say you can’t say enough about me…I’m listening. 😉
Yes, yes. I needs more flogging. You understand me only too well.
Gracias! I am so honored!
But you should use “fewer” not “less” when referring to the decreasing number of certain activities.
Flaunt it if you got it. You really know how to grammar up a place.
The Lower The Fewer