Tiger Tails

Tiger beat

I think it’s safe to say my photoshop skills peaked way back in the day.

Oh there’s a Tiger gettin’ tail it’s plain to see!
It costs a lot when he’s playin’ through the green
Well he just can’t wait like a shopper at a sale
Looks like The Tiger is gettin’ lots of tail

Look. I’ll be honest with you. I know exactly how Lindsey Vonn feels. I’ve also been medevaced via a snowmobile off a snow-covered mountain after a heart wrenching ski crash. I’m assuming that’s what it feels like to know Tiger Woods.

Today we pay tribute to our long-time bloggy friend, the sport of golf, and, of course, the concept of winning.

Tiger Woods. What more can be said? He may have the horniest “club” in all of professional sports. He’s number one! He’s number one!

Golf? Hey look! That dude just hit a little ball with a stick. And he just made a hell of a lot of money for doing it. More than I’ll ever make in my entire life. Wait. Why am I clapping for this? Like this has some sort of meaning?

Back in the day when Tiger was stroking everything in sight, there was one company that stood head and shoulders above the rest. One company that was willing to stand up and shout, “Tiger is our man. We like what Tiger Woods stands for. We are in the Tiger Woods business to stay. By the way, did we mention that Tiger makes us a lot of money?”

That company was, of course, Nike. A beacon of light in the world of business and a paragon of virtue. A company that harnesses the awesome working power of the poor and converts $10 worth of toxic raw materials into trendy crap that Americans will gladly fork over hundreds of dollars for the privilege of strapping them to their feet.

Yes, Tiger and Nike together again. Truly a match made in heaven.



After taking a break from golf due to his penis, Tiger returned to his beloved sport and had a hard time of things. (Sorry. I can’t help myself. This copy practically strokes itself. Someone get me a green jacket.)

But, earlier this year, he clawed his way back to the #1 spot. Number one in the sport of golf. To me that’s like saying, “I’m the King of the Turds!” Whatever. I know some people seem to value the sport. Who am I to judge?

Ah. Number one. Tiger must have been so gratified. He waited a couple of days then, in tandem with Nike, his partner in crime, released a photo emblazoned with the message, “Winning takes care of everything.” Ah, another old friend of mine. An attributed quote.

Note the style and deftness of touch here. The subtlety. The grace. The humble courage. Tiger must truly be a great person.

Versions of the image that didn’t make it to post-production included tag lines like these:

  • So suck on that bitches!
  • Let the printing of the pre-nuptials resume!
  • It’s in the hole!
  • Bacon – the other pork meat!

Sadly these and other quippy quotables ended up on the cutting room floor.

Winning. Ah yes. That valued virtue that says, “Nothing else matters.” Cheat on your woman? Who gives a shit. You’re winning, baby! So you’re a total crass ass of a person? That’s okay as long as you’re winning. I think Nike’s track record on the subject speaks for itself. Winning at all costs. Take no prisoners. Dead or alive.

After the ad, and in response to social media blowback, an unnamed (at least to me) Nike spokesperson had the temerity to spew the following bullshit the likes of which the world may never see again:

“Tiger has always said he competes to win.  When asked about his goals such as getting back to number one, he has said consistently winning is the way to get there. The statement references that sentiment and is a salute to his athletic performance.”
–Pathetic bullshit offered by Nike

Right. There was no double meaning here. Not at all. Move along, move along.

Of course, Nike desperately wants to sell golf clubs but they are currently ranked in sixth place in the category on the leader board. Maybe not everyone automatically falls for their shit? Perhaps some critical thinkers yet exist.

They could try a new message, perhaps “Character Matters,” and see how it resonates, but Nike has the steadfastness to stand by their man no matter what. They are resolute. They are determined. They, like Tiger, are assholes.

Winning does not take care of everything. Not by a long shot.

8 responses

  1. “When asked about his goals such as getting back to number one, he has said consistently winning is the way to get there.” Which other goals does that apply to?

    I’m glad Buck Owens has his own buckaroos. I was so sick of him borrowing mine. He always brings them back with dirty uniforms.


    1. Your question is too deep for me. But according to Tiger, winning takes care of “everything.” In my experience that’s quite a bit.

      I’d proudly wear the Buckaroo uniform anywhere. I gotta get me one of those.


  2. So much for how you play the game. Winning means everything. And so do endorsements. It always comes down to the all mighty dollar. I think the guy’s a jack ass.


    1. Nike was one of Tiger’s sponsor’s that resolutely stayed by his side. I resolutely resolve to never give Nike my business again.

      How you play the game should matter. In the meantime, I say we burgle Tiger’s house. If he complains, we can just say, “I have your stuffs. I win. You lose. Winning takes care of everything.”


  3. Tom….if you hear a knock at your door, I’m having a tailor come over to fit you for your Green Jacket. Nice post!! I love golf, but I’d like to use my one burst of negativity to punch Tiger in the face.


    1. Thanks! I bet I look good in green. For extra money I can lay on the floor of bars (I have experience) and let people play billiards on me.

      One burst of negativity? Why limit yourself so? 🙂


  4. I wish I’d read this yesterday before I spent money on a black Nike zip-up. But in my defense I didn’t buy it for the logo…I bought it at Winner’s for $12. And I look good in black.

    This will teach me not to read your posts the day of posting. *frown face*


    1. Ruling from the Desk of the Nike/Tiger Woods Commissioner: “I’ll allow it. But only if it has a hoodie.”



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