Car-Bluetooh-speaker-1“You’ve got a keen eye, my man. This baby is hot.”

The salesman had seemingly materialized out of thin air. Suddenly he was saddled up and comfy cozy with the customer, on his elbow, and so shoulder-to-shoulder they were actually touching. The customer, in awe of a shiny object, missed the intrusion, and in so doing, a tiny layer of self-protection had been peeled back inside his brain.

“Nothing else can touch her,” the salesman boasted in a silky-smooth voice. Suddenly the object was personified with a female pronoun. We’re all just friends here and getting friendlier every moment. Desire in the customer imperceptibly kicked up another gear.

“Bluetooth ready with seamless integration for all of your devices. Phone, calendar, and email, of course. But also Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, and our latest innovation: hands-free texting. She generates her own wifi hotspots, too.”

The salesman reached in and the sound system came alive. Deep thumping bass reverberated through the man’s body. “She packs a punch where it counts. 420 channels of digital radio. 32-speakers pumping out 330 watts of immersive 360 degrees of goodness. Shuffle, favorite artist, or the latest thing: MoodPlay. She senses what you need and automatically gives it up. What what? Yo!”

“The heads up display is 32 MiB megapixel ready, too. Perfect for that latest tweet from your favorite follower, checking the quotes from the street, responding to the boss, or watching the RPMs. All while enjoying the premium safety that comes with never taking your eyes off the road. GPS navigation, of course, including turn by turn. And now reality enhanced with Google Maps. You know that mountain you’ve always been curious about? Just point at it and Google’s Anne Droid will tell you the distance and anything else you want to know. Petroleum reserves detected underneath? She’ll automatically call and inform the oil company of your choice and you’ll get a finder’s fee! You’ll be rich!”


“This baby is state of the art. She’ll tell you and show you when your friends are nearby. Complete with avatar pics. AutoFollowTakeMeThere lets you head in their direction while Anne Droid automatically makes the call and gets them to agree to meet you at the nearest Yelp approved restaurant with the cuisine style you specify.”

Shaking slightly now, the customer’s eyes had glazed over, and his breathing was shallow, coming in frantic quick breaths.

“Integrated voice commands allow you to have a hot cup of coffee, too, with the in-console Mr. Coffee 4000 Terraquad Platinum. Hell, this baby will even drink it, too! Espresso, latte, cappuccino, breve, macchiato, she does it all, and just the way you like it.”

“Seat memory? She detects your ass and automatically adjusts to all of your preferences. In-seat A/C on hot days, seat warmers on cold days. Compass in the rear view mirror. Home theater and gaming systems for your friends in the back seat. Disco ball is optional.”

“The cup holder has been completely redesigned, too, and twin mode is stock. It senses your thirst needs and alerts you with our patented Empty Cup Countdown technology.”

Customer down, on the ground, moaning incomprehensibly, twitching and drooling on the showroom floor…

“Push button start!”

“Keyless entry!”

“Remote start!”

“Lost remote base unit!”

“Retina steering! No more tedious arm lifting!”

“Media ports!”

“Meteorological awareness grid!”

“Backup sensors and LCD display!”

“Windshield wiper music sync! Thump, thump!”

“Passenger throw pillows!”

“Cruise control personality mode!”

“Crowd-sourced speed trap detection!”

“Bladder watch!”

“Dashboard-mounted flower vase with USB 2.0!”

“GM App Store! Customize your ride!”

“HealthySeat sensors monitor your weight and offer dietary advice!”

“120-month financing!”


Then, amazingly, the customer sobered up, sat up and looked around confused. “Wait a minute!” he said. “Will this thing actually fucking drive anywhere?” he asked incredulously.

“Nope. I’m afraid that’s available in our upgrade package.”

He got up, staggered outside, and threw up on the landscaping. Another satisfied consumer!

7 responses

  1. I’d be pretty excited if my wipers synched to my music.

    On an unrelated note, I’ve owned five cars, the first four got feminine monikers. This one got a boys’ name. Does that mean I turned gay?


    1. Wiper Music Sync is a great way to enhance your drive, and I invented it! Now I expect my invention to be exploited to the point that someone will be moved to make a movie about how the car industry rolled me.

      Who is in charge of naming your rides? That will weigh heavily on my answer to your question.

      I’ve never named my cars or referred to them with female pronouns. The current one we simply call The Spaceship.


      1. I’ve named each of my cars, with the EXCEPTION of the most recent one, which was sort of agreed upon by The Beloved and I. Maybe that’s why it’s gone transgender.


  2. One look at that steering wheel clamp and I’d be saying “why isn’t this integrated into the steering wheel?” There’s something really wrong here. The windshield display is cool – and will become more standard going forward. But you want an Android OS integrated with your vehicle, you can get that at Car Toys on any vehicle. The espresso machine sounds interesting though. I’ll have to look into that one. Can I auto-eject the grounds from the bottom of the car?


    1. For steering wheel integration nothing beats Omnipresent Club. It takes driving to a whole new level of challenge!

      The coffee grounds can be fired at other cars in the vicinity when one is angry with the Anti-Social Targeting System. Try to beat the high scores on the leaderboard in the online gaming center.


  3. Can I get one of those in a pair of tight bluejeans?


    1. How is it that you aren’t employed by Detroit?


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