Alaska. A land so vast that it turns out that it is big enough for the both of us. Our crack team of Discovery engineers has been hard at work calculating that 42 reality-based TV shows about this majestic and fascinating land just isn’t good enough. Not by a damn sight.
We’re gonna blow the lid off yet another story that needs to be told.
Thus, we are splittin’ a seam to unveil our latest bit of creative genius that fully explores every nook and cranny of America’s last frontier in a way the lower 48 has never quite seen before. Alaska State Poopers.
Like a Palin hoppin’ in a chopper fully-loaded for bear we are about to seriously unload, to pull back the lid as it were, on the brave men and women who patrol a wilderness so remote and vast it’s almost inconceivable someone built an outhouse there. Where there’s a will there’s a way. But someone’s still got to clean that shit up.
From tundra to toilet, when the job is just too dirty for anyone else, Alaska Sanitation Team (AST) stands vigilant and at the ready. Enough talk! Let’s plunge right in!
Pilot: S1E1 – “Watch Out For The Cornhole, Bud”
It’s 3:00 o’clock in the afternoon in remote section of central Alaska, one hour into a grueling #2 shift that won’t end until midnight.
For the elite members of AST an assignment to the #2 shift is highly coveted and reserved for the best of the best. Sanitation Engineer First Class Sergeant Corporal John Tank is en-route via snowmachine to patrol area Delta Delta Deuce. To the engineers that work here the area is informally known as the Triple-D. The area is 14,000 sq. miles or approx. 11 times the size of Rhode Island.
Engineer Tank is the only patrol assigned to the area. The nearest help is hours away to the northeast at Ralph M. Calhoun Memorial Airport located in the metropolis of Tanana, population 308. “About the only backup I’m going to get,” Tank says, “is this breakfast burrito.”
“This is black bear country for sure,” explains Tank, “but thankfully we’re not responsible for them. We’ve got more than enough to keep our hands full.” Tank laughs. For him this is just another day at the office. An office where literally anything can happen. For engineers like Tank no two days are ever the same.
“This opportunity literally just fell in my lap. After I flushed out at the State Trooper Recruit Academy this was the most natural move for me. I just sort of flowed to the AST. I’ve been here eight years and I’ve never looked back. For me this is a dream come true. There’s no place I’d rather be.”
“We won’t talk about the hazing process.”
Suddenly the radio cackles to life. There’s been a “10-93” at Slippery Peak. That’s the code used by engineers for a blockage. Tank leans on the throttle and the 420-horsepower beat leaps into action.
“Hang on!” Tank yells as the camera crew foolishly falls behind missing out on a dramatic moment.
Soon he’s flying across the landscape at 120 kph. As Tank chews up the terrain he is being briefed on the situation. “Looks like a cave-in ” he says. “Those are never good,” he adds unnecessarily.
Slippery Peak Outhouse Station, for reasons unknown, was built atop a jutting and jagged outcropping of rock. It’s rumored to have been built by Frank “Crazy Hermit Man” Bartlett because he liked the view. It’s also one of the most dangerous sites within Tank’s jurisdiction.
He points to a tiny spot on top of a distant peak. “It may look small,” explains Tank, “but it’s a three-holer. It was built with community in mind.”
Soon Tank rolls onto the scene and leaves his snowmachine at the base of rock and begins expertly climbing up. He has been here before. He knows the way. “I never know what to expect so I prepare for the worst. But I hope for the best. In this case it’ll probably be a hunter covered in shit.”
Sadly, the victim in this case didn’t make it. During the approach, Tank suddenly freezes and refuses to proceed further. “This place stinks!“
Stay tuned for more original reality programming coming soon including:
Alaska State Baristas
Alaska State Butchers
Ice Lake Fishers
Aimlessly Wandering Alaska
Alaska: The Big Ass Place
Russia With A View: Alaska
The Alaska Thought Experiment
Wasilla Gives Me The Willies
Alaska Night Life: Leave It, It’s Beaver (in association with Bravo)
… and many, many, many, many more!
Shouts from the Abyss 
Finally, a show about the frozen turds…I mean tundra. Sure to be steamy. 😉
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Finally! A comment. Whew. I literally worked my ass of writing this post. Glad it finally got some appreciation.
I’ll never look at the word steamy quite the same way again. :p
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