Surprise! You are a guest blog!

surpriseToday I shot my wife an email and asked, simply, “How did it go?”

I try to be coy in emails that pass through “company-owned email servers.” Fuck ’em! Never include more information than necessary. Ever. I also refer to people by a single letter. It’s up to my wife to grok the meaning.

And that she did just fine.

Somehow she knew that I was asking about her trip to the DMV. I loved her reply so much I decided to make it a guest post. I plan to offer a reading of this at poet’s corner down at the beatnik place one night soon. Enjoy!

I now read from the Book of Wife:

It was like this:

Holy shit
Do I go, do I wait?
Have a seat and calm down
Wow there are smelly people here
I wonder if I can pay someone to switch numbers
Ok here we go, someone’s leaving
“Calling 58”
Oh mother of God! I’ve got 89
Do I go, do I wait?
Relax, take a deep breath…UGH people really smell
Read my book, it’ll go by fast
30 minutes have gone by. Got here at 12:15, it’s now 12:45, only on number 68
Breathe deep, damn, screwed myself again. Why do people smell so bad?
Do I go, do I wait?
Read some more
Think about the “Diversity” course we just took at work, cause boy is this place diverse
Fret about everything
Try not to breathe much
Do I go, do I wait? If I go, I’m giving my number to the next loser that walks in the door, that’ll show ’em
1:08, 86 up to bat
Get my shit together, stand up and wait to jet to the counter, try not to trip or drop anything. Those bitches at the counter will pass you up fast if you don’t sprint
Bam! 89
Walking out the door at 1:21 proud of myself to have waited

Phew and the end!

Isn’t my baby amazing?

10 responses

  1. How many of us can relate??? And she nailed it! I will have to admit, as much as I hate living here in PA, DMV is NOT that bad. They have separate facilities to have your license renewed and have your picture taken, so it does take the strain off the bigger offices. And they’re all over the place so you don’t have 11 towns converging on one center.
    I would definitely take it to open mic night at the hippie cafe!


    1. The DMV here is awesome, too. Not like California where you had to wait two hours in line just to find out what line you were supposed to be waiting in. They had lines for other lines. You had to pack a picnic lunch because it was an all day physical activity.

      I’ll admit, though, the people really do fucking smell. It literally boggles my mind. There is no escaping them including the checkout lane at the grocery store where they literally stand six inches away. Just once I’d like to hurl on them. “Oh, I’m sorry. Is my vomit bothering you?” Mwuahahaha!


  2. She’s stayed with you hasn’t she? That tells you all you need to know.


    1. So far she has, although I assue you, it hasn’t always seemed so certain. Like three days ago. I thought I was getting divorced for sure.

      This weekend I’m to visit a couple Buddhist temples to try to improve myself to the point where she might consider keeping me. The odds don’t look too good, though.


      1. Promise to take her to Italy. 😉


      2. Can we meet you and the Mister?


      3. Maybe we can hook up with you and the Mister while you are there and double date.


      4. What? And ruin this beautiful friendship?


  3. Can you ask Mrs. A if she thinks it speeds the DMV process up if they think you smell unwashed? I’ve got to go soon and I don’t want to wait.


    1. Based on empirical evidence I’d say it must have a benefit of some sort. If your smell parts people like the Red Sea maybe that means you always get to be first.

      Personally I dream about going through life with a spray canister of detergent. When I encounter one of the egregious smellers I’d hose them down and say, “You’ve just been unsmelled, motherfucker!”

      It’s kind of a riff on a Ghostbuster kind of thing.


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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