Regurgitated: Chip Clip
More big changes afoot here on the blog. Sundays will now be the official day of regurgitation here in The Abyss. Why have I been building this vast library of content if I don’t get to use it? Thus I will celebrate this treasure trove I have built by delving into the past and cherry picking a long lost gems to see the light of day one more time.
Up first, by request, is a piece entitled Chip Clip: The power to fuck you circa Oct. 11, 2009.
If you’ve ever purchased a product and had it fail during the very first use then you’ll know what I’m talking about. Like a brand new flashlight that breaks on the very first click that never works again. My humble post is an ode to lives never lived. In the unpublished sequel The Lorax and me team up to hunt the manufacturers of Once-ler products wielding axes and chainsaws. Spoiler alert: We never stop at just one.
Now, without further ado, I give you our regurgitated post of the week. Roll the crap. Hopefully the link below won’t break when you click it.
Big changes are afoot here in The Abyss. Henceforth Saturday shall be known as Reblog Day. Here’s a very interesting graphic to start things off.
Baked Valaska
Head Chef
Today we feature a traditional dessert from the Abyss Recipe Cookbook that you’re bound to enjoy time and time again unless you try it on yourself.
The valaska is a long thin light axe used in past centuries by shepherds in the Carpathian Mountains, especially in Slovakia, Czech Republic, Poland, Ukraine and Hungary. The features of a valaska combine a tool with a walking stick, that could be used as a light weapon. It has symbolic historical and cultural connotations and is still used as a prop in many traditional dances, for example the odzemok.
Note: For this recipe a valaska with an ovenproof handle is a must.
You can find valaska in any quality Czech hardware/weapons store. If not available in your area, a hatchet may be used instead. The results will be similar.
Akutaq (aka Eskimo Ice Cream) is traditionally made with animal fat but you can make your own using Crisco as a modern substitute. Reindeer tallow, if you can get it, is highly recommended.
Baked Valaska
Ingredients:
- 1 valaska (see note), traditionally a little over 1 metre in length
- 4.2 pounds of akutaq (may be substituted with gelato, frozen yogurt, or ice cream)
Directions:
Serving suggestion.
Preheat oven to 450 degrees. This temperature is necessary for a cooking process known as searing.
Place the valaska in the preheated oven for about 20 minutes or until an angry crimson glow can been seen. If the valaska won’t fit, it is permissible to place the valaska with the head-piece inside and the handle sticking out. Adjust cooking time as necessary.
While baking, prep the akutaq by placing it in a large metal bowl.
When the valaska is ready, carefully remove from oven (it will be hot). Dip the head-piece into the bowl of akutaq ensuring a full equal coating. The combination of heat and cold will sear the akutaq creating a fond.
Garnish with fresh slices of human head.
Variations:
- Add eight (8) pieces of crisped bacon, crumbled, during akutaq prep
- Aim for the kneecaps
- Vegetarians: Replace akutaq with a pine nut pesto
Bon appétit!
From Grandma’s Kitchen: “Baked Valaska doesn’t kill people. People do! En garde!“
Storming The Castle
Once every lifetime or so I am granted the gift of insight. There’s a flash of light and suddenly I know something. The words that immediately follow the flash are generally pithy and pregnant with deep meaning.
“Holy shit! Fuck yeah.”
You can quote me on that.
Something like this happened to me the other day. And, my lords and ladies, it happened whilst my castle was under siege. It was a very trebuchet experience. I shall regale you with the tale anon.
Continue reading →
UPDATE: Monday this week cow orker went home early. Later in the day the boss stepped out of the office for a few. A very rare thing. This was when I happened to notice the box of chocolates over by the shipping table. “It’s on motherfuckers,” I said. I grabbed the box and took every remaining piece. The chocolates went on a plate and out to my car. I disposed of the box in the outside trash so there would be no evidence.
I win.
Revenge. Justice. Victory.
I enjoy playing a good game. Especially stratergy games. Throw in the concept of work and you’ve got yourself a surefire hit.
You see a coworker take a piece of office candy. You grab an Uzi and gun them down. Sorry, that’s a note to file. That sort of infraction goes on your permanent record. Go back three spaces.
—Candy Banned playing card
Last week I came in to work one morning and cow orker was abuzz with excitement. She even said “good morning” in violation of office protocol forcing me to grunt in response on the way to my desk.
I know!
What could possibly have her so worked up I asked myself out of boredom in sheer desperation. I could care less and forgot the whole thing. But then, unbidden, she explained it to me anyway.
“We got another one!” she exuberated breathlessly. “Another one!”
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