There are pros and cons to everything, I guess. On one hand I’m stranded alone, a forgotten castaway, forced to live on nothing but beans and rice. On the other hand, there is reduced competition for my parking spot. (meekly) Yeah, me.
So here we are. Day 36. Only three more days to go. Rather than wasting my time doing tai chi on the beach, I thought I’d take a few minutes out of my busy schedule to catch you up on the comings and goings of the indigenous peoples on Abyss Island.
Joy for you. Yet another post where I talk about myself. Who said this blog doesn’t have a theme? It’s me! Me, me, me and an extra serving of me! And me for dessert with sprinkles on top.
That’s just sick, really.
Let’s approach cautiously lest we startle the beast.
Last we heard our intrepid Survivor had won a reward challenge…
Survivor Movie Night
During the reward challenge I had beaten the obstacle course. My reward? A complete Survivor-themed movie night! That included my choice of movie, soda, popcorn, and candy-based movie nibblins. All prepared and served by my lovely host.
Finally! Things were going my way.
Ever the careful planner, I ate a very modest meal of beans and rice. I needed to save room for dessert.
Despite shouting to the universe that I’d “eat it all” I resolved to show restraint. I started off with a Pepsi and hot buttery popcorn my wife had purchased from the local grower’s market. I don’t think I’m overstating things at all when I say that was the most delicious popcorn of my entire life. Buttery, salted goodness that melted in my mouth.
Hello, butter, my old friend. I see you still remember me. I, of course, remember you. Now get in my belly, motherfucker.
Along with the butter arrived a tray laden down with all sorts of sugary treats. Served up in cute little dishes were servings of Boston baked beans, Goobers, M&Ms, Junior Mints, Dots, Hershey’s chocolate, and Good & Plenty. Yowza! This is good shit, man. I’m gonna get fully baked on sugar. And I did.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think I was quite as drunk as Michael Skupin on soda, but I did my best.
The movie was a recent James Bond adventure entitled “Skyfall” and it was almost two and a half hours long. That’s what I call using the old noggin. The longer the movie for the more time for treats. I don’t mess around.
The movie itself was fair. I found it to be off in several ways I can’t fully explain. Daniel Craig makes a fine Bond, of course, but the movie just didn’t do it for me. They didn’t borrow J.J. Abrams “mystery box” for this film, did they?
Hidden Immunity Idol – Search Update
Along the way my wife has provided me with three clues to the hidden immunity idol which could save my ass from tribal council. My wife was exasperated to say the least. She couldn’t believe I hadn’t found it. To her, based on the clues, it was plain as day.
Well, not to me. I was totally befuddled. And, perhaps, I’m not the world’s best searcher. Over and over she told me, “You’d never make it on the real game. A real survivor would have found it by now.” And she’d laugh. Oh how she would laugh.
Here now, documented for all posterior, are the actual clues:
You can search and you can search until your face will be blue
But you won’t find this idol without another clue
Keep to the house, the inside of this house
You’ll have to keep thinking of your lovely smart spouse
If and when you find its location
You must use it wisely
To get out of “one” bad situation
It may be where you do your best thinkin’
Don’t make a fuss or it’ll be stinkin’
It hasn’t been moved, it’s still in this house
You better still be thinking of your sweet lovely spouse
You may see a butterfly or maybe even two
You seem to be mildly obsessed with the word poo
I’ll tell you once more, its still in this house
You not finding it won’t disappoint your spouse
WTF? I mean, come on!!! Give me a break! I spent weeks looking for friggin’ butterflies and never found none. Not even “one,” whatever the hell that means.
Then it happened. The last clue finally arrived. It was prominently marked with the word “FINAL” in big, bold letters. Ouch.
This is the last clue I can give
I’ve seen you comb this house with a fine-toothed sieve
You must look where you will stay-free
If you want to find it you must look and see
I’ve given you the maxi-mum hints
I’ve even pad-ded the blue prints
Your wife has a sick sense of humor
Find it dear, it can’t be much bluer
Aha! Now I was getting somewhere. Too many feminine hygiene product puns. I dashed to the drawer in the restroom where she keeps those … things. But there was nothing there except for the handle to a flosser. I grabbed it and ran to her.
“Is this the hidden immunity idol?” I asked. Damn, more laughter.
“You’ll know it when you see it,” she said.
There was a blue bag of more products on the shelf. I grabbed it and gave it a glance. Nothing. So I gave up. She fried me alive for that, so I went back and looked again. I ended up back at that same blue bag. I looked again. Still nothing. But then I thought about how my wife can be devious. I dug further into the bag.
What’s this? A piece of folded material bound with leather laces? Eureka! I had found the idol. And just in time for the last immunity challenge where’d I’d ever be able to use it. Sweet victory once again.
And I’ll be damned. There were butterflies on that cursed bag, too. Who knew? Certainly not me!
My wife claims that after clue #2 I said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if it was in the tampon bag?” and she almost choked while brushing her teeth. I have no memory of ever saying that, but when my mouth is moving, I seldom ever do. What else is new?
The Incredibly Disappearing Spice Kit
The spice kit I won back on Day 12 is in sad shape. I thought it would be good to inventory my remaining supplies.
- Ground coffee: Fair. Enough for one cup a day for the duraction
- Salt/pepper: Good. These have been used sparingly.
- Tea bags: Good. Two out of the original 10 remain in stock.
- Soy sauce: Critical. Just a few precious drops left.
- Fresh head of garlic: Good. Five cloves remaining.
- Bottle of Tapatio hot sauce: Critical. Almost out, but it might last to the end if I stretch it. This has become a staple with my beans and rice.
- A small Tupperware container of cooking oil: Death. This precious resources has been completely consumed. No more fried rice and nothing to cook with my catch of the day.
- Two assorted spice packets (containing about 6 teaspoons each of miscellaneous spices): Good. Five of the original 12 containers remain including minced garlic x2, chili powder, oregano, and sesame seeds.
That’s it. Three more full days. Hang in there!
Catch Of The Day
Sorry, I’m back. I had to step away for a moment while writing this. Something got caught in my fishing gear!
I pulled up my net and lo and behold, I caught three smelly rocks! It’s good to be me.
I took them to my wife and said, “I got two questions.” She nodded, so I continued.
“First, how do you cook these?”
“That’s for you to figure out, Mr. Survivor.” And she turned a deaf ear to my pleas for just a little more cooking oil. “Suffer,” was all she said then spoke no more.
“Secondly, what the hell are they?”
Turns out they’re oysters. That’s cool! Now It’s my job to figure out what to do with them with precious few resources left on hand. With me luck.
And yes, the word “precious” occurs at least three times in this post. Gollum! Being left alone on the island hasn’t affected me at all. Gollum! Luckily my steel will and perseverance has come shining through. Gollum!
So this Survivor diet you’re on…will we be seeing Tom’s tummy soon on one of those fight belly fat ads that seem to be on every social media website? Will it actually be YOUR belly or a close facsimile?
I vote for the facsimile. I don’t think I could handle the real thing.
By the way…hug Mrs. Abyss for me. Her reactions to your reactions are the best part of waking up…with something better than Folgers in my cup. 🙂
Whoa now. As far as you’re concerned I am a rippling mass of muscle albiet with bad hair, a worn pair of Crocs, white socks, and black old man shoes with velcro straps. Trust me, that’s all you need to know. If any actual pictures of me were ever published this whole thing would go belly up.
This adventure was never intended to be about a “diet.” It was about my desire to taste a small part of the Survivor spectrum, one that I now know to be completely foolish and stupid. I want dinner!
Weight loss is a natural consequence of this program and one for which I have developed a morbid fascination. I have proudly announced that my quite modest goal is to lose 100% of total body weight. If only I can accomplish that then I will be satisfied.
I actually predicted that even this scaled back version of what real Survivors experience would result in a loss of 10% of body weight, and I’m going to get pretty darn close to that prediction.
This thing wouldn’t be anything without the Mrs. She came up with the rules and all of the creativity involved, from writing tree mail to planning challenges. I covet her even more than individual immunity!
What’s up next? A game show? She can do the quizzes and you can astound us with your lack of knowledge.
You and Mrs. Abyss sure have a lot of fun. Love those clues. I was shouting “Look in the bathroom!” Did you hear me?
Not until it was too late, darn it.
Going 39 days on beans and rice would probably have been a backbreaker without these various distractions to the monotony. I couldn’t have done it with the Evil One. She really kept me on my toes.
Two bike challenges? Oh my God, the humanity!