Abyss Island: S1E11 – They’re Gonna Put Me In The Movies / A Night To Dismember
Last night was a heady time on Abyss Island. Lots of comings and goings and what nots and so forths. It was almost too much for a lonely rice-eating bean-eating castaway to deal with. Almost.
It was Day 33 of 39 of my exile from deliciousness. The agenda for the evening included a reward challenge and then watching some weenies on TV try to duplicate my greatness. Ha!
Dinner consisted of, you guess it, a serving a plain white rice. I was out of beans. (They got replenished this morning and the crock pot is crocking them.)
Tree mail hinted at the promise of a reward:
Keep your eye on the ball
Try not to fall
Keep your balance true
And you’ll be A-mazed when you’re thru
Hmm. Sounds like one of those marble labyrinth thingies. Finally! A nice relaxing challenge.
Never underestimate the viciousness of the host.
Note: The camera ated our video, so I’ll try to be descriptive using my words.
I arrived at the challenge with my buff and tribe flag. My wife wants me to point out I was wearing black “old man” shoes with the velcro laces. Whatever!
As I took my place on the mat I got my first view of the challenge course. And yes, it was a course. No labyrinth devices in sight. Before me there was an assortment of chairs all akimbo on the floor, a stepladder, wine bottles, and assorted cat toys.
My wife was waiting for me. “Hello, Tom,” she said.
“Yo, sup, Probst.”
See handed me a green ball and a pizza peel (back for its second challenge). “Your goal is to get through the maze with the ball balanced on the tray. Drop the ball and you must start over at the beginning. Knock over any of the maze you must start over at the beginning. You have four minutes.”
She walked me around the course, demonstrating the rules that I’d have to put a foot inside each part of the stepladder laying flat on the floor, that I’d have to step into square-shaped areas formed by the legs of two chairs crisscrossing and how I’d be expected to maneuver through the empty wine bottles. “See what I do for you? I had to drink all these!”
The course started in the dining room, wound its way into the living room, around the coffee table, then back into the dining room where I’d have to retrace my steps to get back to start.
On the dining room table was a small tent covered with a towel. My wife gestured in that direction and said, “Want to know what you’re playing for?”
“Hella!” I yelled back.
With a flourish she did the big reveal. There sat a delicious pile of loot. A movie-style popcorn box, a bag of popcorn, four small bottles of soda, and assorted candies. “What you covet is a night at the movies Survivor Abyss style complete with all-you-can eat popcorn, candy and soda. What is Survivor Abyss Style, you ask? Since you don’t like movie theaters and/or people, I’ll rent you a movie of your choice, prepare your popcorn and soda and serve it to you while you sit in your underwear on the couch enjoying the flick.”
“You lose and I got nothin’ for ya. You’ll head back to camp.”
She summed up with the question that means the game is about to be afoot. “Worth playing for?”
“Hella!” I yelled back.
My wife raised her arm. “Survivors ready!” Her arm dropped. “Go!”
I had the ball on pizza peel. Damn, that thing was more squirrely than I expected. This might be difficult. Being three seconds into the challenge I decided this was the optimal time to offer an opinion. “This is bullshit!”
Carefully I made my way over the first two chairs. Then I made my way through the step ladder. I began to maneuver through the wine bottles.
Dammit. There went the ball. Back to start.
I started again with a little less confidence and at a slower pace. I made my way past the bottles. Success. Then there were more chairs. Bigger chairs. That required more careful stepping and at a higher distance. Very slowly I made my way, literally never taking my eyes of the ball.
I had a vision of the real Jeff Probst yelling about me literally carrying my family on my back. I literally felt a little nauseous.
Stepping out I was clear of the chair obstacle. I had done it. Then it was around the coffee table and back to the dining room. There I had to traverse the step ladder one more time and then the last set of chairs.
Victory! My wife announced I did it with time to spare and mumbled something about being “sick of this game.”
I haven’t had soda since New Year’s Eve when my wife was the designated drinker, which I felt earned me a delicious treat. Although I have tried to swear off what I call “liquid candy” I will partake of it eagerly during the movie. And, as you can see, the reward consists of enough sugary treats to kill an elephant and I plan to eat every last bit.
My wife says the treats only apply for the duration of the movie so I think I’ll pick something on the longish side. Perhaps that trilogy of short films by the director of The Hobbit. Yes, I choose you, Lord of the Rings Trilogy!
It was nice knowin’ y’all. I’ll see ya on the flip side in Candyland heaven.
What? Old man shoes?! That was not on your resume when I was choosing a guru.
It’s true. But in my defense, I only wear them because my favorite pair of shoes is packed solid with dog shit so I now refuse to wear them for the rest of my life.
There’s always a good reason for everything I do.
As long as you weren’t wearing white socks, I’m cool with the black velcro sneaks. (Wait while I delete that image from my brain.)
This series is truly awesome. Mrs. Abyss is our hero. 🙂
There were white socks. Up the ying-yang, in fact. That’s how I roll.
Ah, you make your life so hard for yourself — but in a very humorous way! You do deserve rewards! I trip and fall just walking through my house without any special obstacle course.
“Although I have tried to swear off what I call “liquid candy” I will partake of it eagerly during the movie. And, as you can see, the reward consists of enough sugary treats to kill an elephant and I plan to eat every last bit.” You’re in luck. I have just the treat for your reward. What a coincidence. It’s liquid candy and it’s associated with elephants. Yes, this is a plug for my most recent blog post.
To be a true Guru of Negativity one must often make life hard on one’s self. One must also describe one’s self using the word “one” a lot, too. Also critical is the ability to self-induce the worst bad mood of all time for no particular reason at all. It’s a gift.
I can’t wait to view the enticing bounty of segue you have laid on the table before us. We are pleased. Elephants!
I’m on my way.