How To Survive After A Disaster

Gurney can be so mean.

Gurney can be so meanie but those eyes are so dreamy.

I am not in the mood for writing. Not at all. So I’m not gonna. Today I’m just going to go wordless because Wednesday is making me its bitch. No words for you!

Gurney Halleck: Not in the mood? Mood’s a thing for cattle and loveplay, not writing!
Tom B. Taker: I’m sorry Gurney.
Gurney Halleck: Not sorry enough!!!

Okay, okay! Dammit. I will wordlessly through the power of magic share one of my most top secret survival tips of all time. For you, the loyal reader, this is when all the bullshit you’ve put up with finally pays off.

Any idiot can survive a disaster: natural, manmade, Godmade, or otherwise. All it takes is shit-ass luck. So you survived. What do you want? A medal. Fuck that. Now comes the hard part.

Surviving your fellow human beings.

Good luck. You’re gonna need it.

wonka-survivalI expect that many people reading this might live in cities and other highly urbanized areas. You’re probably using your damn fancy computers and electronics, too. Couldn’t you at least have borrowed this in book form? Why the hell should I profit one cent from being your humble wordsmith? What a disaster.

There’s an interesting reality about living in cities, though. Do you know what it is?

Demotivational Dictionary

city – noun – a geographical area where many people gather to live and work where residents do not control or produce any of the resources necessary for their own survival.

Sounds like a great plan, eh? If the residents themselves don’t control things like food, water and energy, then who the hell does? Hint: It’s people far, far away who manage those things for profit. If the thought of that doesn’t make you explosively void your bowels I don’t know what will.

For most of us, shut down the supermarkets and in less than a month we’re all dead. But don’t worry. I’m sure that’ll never happen. Not as long as good people are making good decisions in the name of good profits. Hurrah for free market win-wins!

What sort of disaster might befall you? Tsunami? Hurricane? Fire? Flood? Earthquake? Volcano? Tropical storm? Tornado? Sure. But don’t forget about economic ones, too.

If money becomes worthless, what then? What if the price of gas goes up by 100-1000 times? Or the price of food? Or electricity? Or the water gets used up by someone else and there is none left for you at any price? Thanks for playing. See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya.

What are you gonna do? Create a self-sustaining farm on your estate? Which consists of a 5,000 sq. ft. lot upon which your little micro-sized suburban home sits? Bon appetit!

Think it won’t happen? Check out the California energy crisis. Or use your imagination. The only thing we know for sure is that things fall apart; the centre does not hold. At some point the shit will go sideways.

I say go ahead and stock up to give yourself a fighting chance. Having a nice horde can be a good start and might just be enough to get you through little disasters. Your horde should include a few months of drinking water, an energy source to keep you warm, plenty of food for you and your family and all of the other standard accoutrement recommended by survival experts. (Batteries, flashlights, rope, etc.)

Of course, many people believe you have to heavily arm yourself to defend your horde. I mean, if you horde gets taken away by force, then what good is your horde at all, except to keep some bloodthirsty assholes alive while you wither away?

This is where my advice comes in. The point is that you, the planner, should be the one to survive. And, when the chips are down, the non-planners should be the one to perish. (If it comes to that.) What you don’t want is for the non-planners to kill you and take your shit. That would be just about the worst thing of all time.

Step one is keep your horde secret. People can’t take what they don’t know about.

Step two is my little golden nugget. Part of your disaster kit horde should include pre-made signs and sign-making materials (for post-disaster improv, if necessary).

What should the signs say? Something like this:

  • Family dying – Need fresh water!
  • Out of fuel – please help!
  • Spare any food? God bless!
  • Will trade gold fillings for firewood

You get the idea. Keep the messages simple and sincere. Throw everything broken by the disaster out in front of the house, too. This is one time you want all the curb dis-appeal you can get. You want to project the most desperate and helpless image you can.

Meanwhile, you’ll be safely ensconced in your castle, watching the gangs in the street roam right on by, feasting on caviar and getting caught up on your Playstation 3. I think this must be what Darwin meant when he talked about surivial of the fittest! With any luck you won’t even have to shoot anyone. All hail prescient proactivity.

You want to be the fittest, don’t you? Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to work on my disaster kit. I love making signs.

You’re welcome!

6 responses

  1. Well, aren’t you jusst a ray of sunshine?
    I have cigarettes and a swiss army knife.
    I can rebuilld civilization if I have to.


    1. You just made my “Critics Rave” page. Thanks for the solid quote. I do what I can. If my tip saves your life someday then you’ll owe me one. 🙂


  2. My entire area went loco when the power went out after Hurricane Sandy. So now everyone is into disaster preparation. We’re hoarding dry foods, flashlights, first aid kits and packing them into backpacks.

    We’re in for a cold front producing thunder storm later. It hasn’t rained a drop yet and the county is on a flood watch/warning.

    If everyone would calm down, STOP PANICKING, then whatever mother nature bestows upon us can be dealt with and everyone will be happy campers. Because that’s what we’re all going to become-campers. (I have a tent and a cooler as well as some other camping supplies-BRING IT ON!).


    1. We had some power outages in my neck of the woods. Fortunately I was only affected for less than one second, but it was enough to turn my computer off. Boy, was I pissed!

      I was amazed by the number of folks I met who were literally amazed that their well pumps didn’t pump water so good without electricity. It boggled their minds!

      Wow, I though. Are we in deep shit or what? And none of those wells had manual pumps as backups. You know the kind, like Half Pint used at her Little House on the Prairie?

      The things I recall from seeing other people go through disasters is the human goodness. Like a gallon of drinking water selling for $20. That’s supply and demand in action! I guess I forgot one essential thing in my survival kit: A fat roll of benjamins.

      I also forgot cyber-terrorism as a form of disaster, too. When computer software has to be carefully engineered to prevent bad things from accidentally happening, something tells me it won’t take much effort to push it over a cliff.


  3. Seeds! I’m going to start hoarding seeds. But no planting til post-disaster… don’t want the damnneighbors knowing I can grow food. Maybe I’ll invest in some grow lights, and plant veggies in my basement!
    And when the cops try to bust me for illegal growing facility, I’ll have taters to pay them off!


    1. I think it is very clever that your plan includes grow lights. Perhaps you can also have the bicycle from Gilligan’s Island so you’ll have enough electricity to turn them on! 🙂

      And it is so devious not to plant your food until after the disaster. That’s so stealthy. That’ll teach ’em!

      Taters will replace benjamins in the new world economy.


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