Bulldozer Science Chit Chat

I’m the cutest slice. Orange you impressed?

I’m formulating a new hypothesis to fit observable phenomena pertaining to the human act of communication. If you can call one-way verbal vomit “communication,” that is. We may have to take a few liberties with our assumptions.

The lab is a controlled environment: A square room with dimensions of 20′ x 20′ and four test subjects locked inside.

It’s a beautiful human-based ballet and we get to watch it play out. Isn’t science a gas?

Two of the subjects are bulldozers. Oh, please excuse the scientific jargon. That’s just another word for douchebag motherfuckers frothing at the mouth with an exaggerated sense of self-importance. By about a billion percent. They also typically have underdeveloped perceiving circuits and reasoning ability, so they remain blissfully unaware of how they are perceived by the outside world.

That makes them perfectly wonderful for experiments such as these.

One normal average human is included to serve as a control.

Lastly, completing the four-way ensemble is your guru, utterly sacrificing himself in the name of science. Sometimes it is necessary when making measurements to destroy small particulates of matter. Your guru is very particulate. There were no active volcanoes nearby so, after all, he had nothing better to do. Since all bulldozers are nothing without dirt clods to push around, the guru is taking one for the team. He is represented in the diagram as “Pond Scum.”

Hypothesis: Social regard for members of a group can be calculated based on word counts per participant in any given conversation.

The data is cogent, meaningful and highly correlated. Strong causal factors are indicated. I’m sure my results can be easily replicated through the peer review process if only other subjects as pond scummy as myself can be located. (That could be a challenge.)

Conclusion: Based on my experiments and measurable word counts from innumerable test runs, the outside world really, really, really hates my fucking guts.

It’s nice to have access to this kind of accurate, unbiased scientific information and validation when you can get it.

Stay tuned for the next article in this ongoing series of scientific exploration when we examine what would happen if I took the place of important figures throughout history. Episode One is entitled, “What if I was George Washington?” One thing is certain: We’d all still be speaking British. Indeed.