Abyss Christmas Buying Guide 2012: Hell To Pay

Owen Lars: Hell To PayIs there a crazy character on your Christmas list with that far, far away look in their eye who’s a few life lessons short of guru attainment? I, your humble guru, did, and so can you. And so can they.

I owe it all to the compendium of tome that forever changed my life. It’s a book that irrevocably set galactic-sized wheels in motion, albeit a long, long time ago.

“You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done.”
–Owen Lars, Moisture Farmer

I’m talking about, of course, Hell To Pay, a hearty collection of witticisms and musings about the great mysteries of life by our galaxy’s most famous moisture farmer, Owen Laws. You may know him better as the uncle to the master of midichlorians himself, Luke Skywalker.

Lars was a man of many talents, including singer/songwriter. He wrote the galaxy’s first country and western song, She’s Thinks My Moisture Evaporator Speaks Bocce long, long before country was cool. But growing up on a desert planet in the Outer Rim Territories wasn’t an easy life. Lars took to that life like a pig in shit and learned a few things along the way.

When the heat of the suns becomes too great, you stop to wipe your brow with your enormously long sleeve, and you think about throwing in the towel (never leave your planet without it) I hope you’ll find the time to refer to this wonderful work. I often do and find it to be quite the inspiration.

Critics rave:

“A tour de Force.” — The Coruscant Times

“Lars proves he is a Force to be reckoned with.” — Galactic Core Daily

“George Lucas could learn a thing or two from this guy!” — Disney Insider

“It’s like a supernova in your face.” — Stephen Hawking

One of the last images of Owen Lars known to exist. Taken shortly before his untimely death.

One of the last images of Owen Lars known to exist. Taken shortly before his untimely death.


“Well, he’d better have those units in the South Ridge repaired by midday, or there’ll be hell to pay.”
–Owen Lars

Analysis: Don’t we all have our own “South Ridge” demons to face? With disarming wit and charm, Lars leads by example for a generation of slacker millennials (midichlorians not withstanding) thirsty for his knowledge gained through hard living at its best that the true pursuit of labor is, indeed, it’s own reward. The good life, the proverbial “wasting of time” is what comes later.


“That wizard is just a crazy old man.”
–Owen Lars

Analysis: Perhaps more than anyone else, Lars is keenly aware of the dangers of overly embracing strict religious dogma. By warning against demagogues and charismatic fools who entice others to follow them, Lars shows that there is another path. The path of individuality. As long as the chores are already done.


“I have no need for a protocol droid.”
–Owen Lars

Analysis: Working on a moisture farm Lars developed an appreciation for getting things done. There was no time for niceties like manner and etiquette. Get about the business of survival.


“I had a feeling you might show up someday.”
–Owen Lars

Analysis: A fatalist to the bitter end, Lars came to know and accept his eventual ending on that Tatooine plateau. Here, in his own way, he thoughtful tries to share the certainty that our time will come, too. Ever thoughtful, he’s just trying to break our fall.

Hurry. Supplies are limited. Order your copy today while supplies last. Act fast and we’ll throw in flame-retardant pajamas. Uncle Owen would have wanted it that way.

5 responses

  1. I feel like I’m laughing from the outside of an inside joke, and it embarrasses me a little.


    1. I imagine that most of my blog posts illicit that response. I appreciate the honesty! 🙂

      I’ll explain the idea so you can see how I executed it so badly:

      In 1977 I saw a movie called Star Wars. Owen Lars was a character in that movie. He was Luke’s grumpy uncle who only cared about moisture farming and nagging Luke about his chores and being a fuddy-duddy about dangerous influences like Obi-Wan Kenobi.

      Since he had so few lines in the movie, including the infamous “Hell to pay,” I thought the idea of a book featuring his quotes would be humorous.

      That’s basically the premise. Cute idea, bad execution. That’s my motif. Ideas floating in my head that I’m unable to translate to the written word. That’s why, of course, I’m a blogger!

      I still kind of liked the photoshopped book cover, though. 🙂


      1. I thought the book cover was great. My problem was that I’ve never seen any of the Star Wars movies. I realize that that fact makes me some kind of pariah, but it is what it is.

        For the record, I’ve never seen any Rocky, Star Trek, Harry Potter or Twilight movies either.


  2. No Star Wars? No Star Trek? You’re a space oddity! 🙂

    You somehow sensed, no doubt via disturbance in the Force, that my post had something to do with Star Wars, right?

    Pariah? Naw. But you better not show your face in this quadrant ever again.

    What movies have you seen?


  3. I’ll take two! Owen was a dear friend of mine, a real shame….. I always encouraged him to buy that fire extinguisher but…. Owen wouldn’t have it…. he’d rather have Luke smack a towel at the fire instead of buying protecting….. poor Owen…. never will forget that old ____.


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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