Abyss Christmas 2012 App Buying Guide

At last, iPad functionality to die for. I’m here with another terminal review with the 411 on the killer app that’ll send you for the 911.

Even if you don’t have time to kill you’ll want to set aside some time on your calendar for this shiny new app, and just in time for Black Friday!

Actual screenshot (images simulated). This loser has only marked three bodies. Ha ha! He needs to get on out there and level up!

If you’re like me, and I know you are, trying to stay organized can be a real buzz kill. We’re busy people on the go, go, go. In this modern world who’s got the time to remember trivial details like birthdays, anniversaries, the location of the car keys or the “Who, What, Where and When of the People You’ve Killed(c)?”

I am proud to introduce Where I Hid The Bodies for iOS 6.0.2. It’s the app of the season.

A special shout out to the sick bastards at Criminal Minds for the inspiration that drove our hardworking team of developers and powered our creativity (along with cases of Red Bull and 5-Hour Energy shots).

Note: GPS coordinates functionality requires Location Services enabled in Settings. Broadband connection charges may apply when out in the field.

  • Pivot table support – When you need to drill down in your data.
  • Tomb With a View – Connect with photo albums (requires access to iPhoto app).
  • Gesture-Enabled – Just like your knife hand.
  • Multi-Platform Support – Now works on fondletops, too!
  • Share With Friends: Built-in support for Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and, of course, Instagram.
  • Free bonus icon for dismemberment.
  • Works on any type of terrain!

Best of all, unbelievably this motherfucker is free.

Now how much would you pay? We’re hoping you’ll agree it’s worth the eternal damnation of your soul.

Top In-App Purchases:

  • Install Kit – $3.99. Allows the app to be installed.
  • Open Sesame – $4.99. Allows the app to be opened.
  • Icon Finder – $5.99. Adds an icon for the application.
  • Mapper – $6.99. Enables on-screen display of the map.
  • Mover – $7.99. Allows the map to be moved.
  • Make It Sticky – $8.99. Allows coordinates to be saved.
  • I Surrender – $199.99. Real-time connection to the FBI hot case files.
  • All Thumbs – $9.99. Enables buttons to be clicked.

How do you want to see your data? This baby lets you sort by weapon of choice, victim data (age, sex, occupation, etc), motive (optional), method of disposal and much, much more!

When you’re ready to confess this app could make all the difference between convincing the cops and a 72-hour hold at the local hospital. Nobody wants that!

If you install this app please spare a moment and think of me. Honorary faux disposal of Tom B. Taker is included at no extra charge.

Happy holidays!

Let the bodies hit the iCloud…

Disclaimer: Not affiliated with Honey I Hid The Bodies. No brand dilution is intended or implied.

3 responses

  1. So many of the apps you see on the market are just worthless. My squiggly sudoko app is one of the only ones I ever use, and that’s mostly just to kill time when I’m not burying bodies. Thanks for the tip!


    1. Squiggly Sudoku? Sounds interesting. I enjoy a good sudoku from time to time.

      Just about the best app I ever saw for the iGadgets is something called “Flow.” It’s a wonderful combination of logic and the best use of the touch interface I’ve ever seen.


      1. I ran out of medium difficulty squiggly sudoko, and had to move on to “challenging” which would be better named as “impossible”


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