This Weak In God

God grilling up some Barack Obama voters with a haberno chutney sauce. Fresh, bold flavors to die for.

News of the godly keeps reaching these pious ears. I need to improve my shields. It’s not my fault, though. I can’t help it that they’re always up to something.

Yes, the culture war is on like Donkey Kong and going strong. Make no mistake about it. It is a real war. But what to do when the team with God on their side won’t even adhere to weak-ass standards that amount to a hill of beans, even when compared to the Geneva Convention? Remain resolute and stay strong. Remember: This too shall pass. There will come a day when differing beliefs are respected and we’ll all treat each other nicely. A day when we can all be united Americans. Until then, here’s some recent news.

Under U.S. law churches are prohibited against campaigning for political candidates. Those who hate unions might understand why. So what did Catholic bishops do in the run-up to election day? Campaign for Mitt Romney, of course. Although the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops might not have officially violated tax-laws some individual rogue bishops may have gone too far. Some observers and watchdog groups are saying actions by Catholic bishops during the election violated the church’s tax exempt status.

A law that says churches have to stay out of politics or risk losing their tax exempt status is a good idea. But who has one of the most powerful anti-abortion lobbies in the United States? You guessed it. The Catholic Church. And meanwhile, the Mormon church makes no bones about its desire to have a “seat” at the “policy making table.” It turns out that churches are just like everyone else: They want to shape the world into their own image.

Also no secret is that the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops publishes a document called “Forming Consciences for Faithful Citizenship – A Call to Political Responsibility from the Catholic Bishops of the United States.” It’s essentially a “voter’s guide” where the holy bishops tell their flock how to vote. Apparently making up your own mind is a sin and can get you an express one-way ticket to Hell. I now read from the document, Chapter 42. No shit! 42! My favorite number! (My emphasis added.)

42. As Catholics we are not single-issue voters. A candidate’s position on a single issue is not sufficient to guarantee a voter’s support. Yet a candidate’s position on a single issue that involves an intrinsic evil, such as support for legal abortion or the promotion of racism, may legitimately lead a voter to disqualify a candidate from receiving support.

There it is. In writing. In an official document. The bishops telling their flock how to vote. And we have still gots our plausible deniability, yo. We didn’t mention anyone by name. We so clever!

What else?

• Some bishops reportedly told parishioners they would go to Hell if they voted for the wrong candidate.
• Some bishops allegedly “demanded” that priests read pre-written letters during mass which stated “President Barack Obama’s administration has waged a war on religious liberty, that the Democrats’ positions on contraception, abortion and gay marriage are causing the nation to ‘lose its soul by little steps,’ and that Catholic voters cannot support Democratic candidates without betraying God and Catholicism.”
• Some bishops wrote letters to newspapers advocating votes for Mitt Romney. In one case, a bishop in Alaska compared Joe Biden’s support of abortion to slavery.

Since U.S. law prohibits churches from promoting specific candidates or risk losing their tax exempt status (which saved them an estimated $145 billion over the last 10 years) the bishops were, of course, careful to never refer to candidates by name. Nod, nod. Wink, wink. “See? We play by the rules! No touchy our money!”

We’ve all heard the stories about Catholic priests denying holy communion to members of their flock that had a “wrong” opinion, say on something like abortion. Classy. No holy communion for you! For example, an elected official who also happens to be a Catholic and didn’t vote the way he/she was supposed to. Fine. We’ll just withhold holy communion from you, fucking bastard. And we were all worried that a church might have influence on a presidential candidate. Don’t be ridiculous!!

Sadly, here’s a new twist to that old church-strongarm game:

A teen was denied “confirmation” by his priest after the priest saw a picture of the teen holding a sign indicating support of gay marriage on Facebook. The teen had also tweeted that he was torn between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama in the 2012 election. He supported Romney on pro-life issues but he also supported Obama’s position on gay marriage. Thus, he tweeted, he was “in the middle.”

Demotivational Dictionary: freedom

I like you as long as you see things my way. The minute you don’t I hate your fucking guts. Go to Hell.

After the story gained media attention the priest involved stated that the teen was never denied the religious right of passage but declined to comment further, stating it was an “internal and pastoral” matter.

Ah. I love the smell of religious freedom in the morning! Imagine. If this is what they do to each other just try to guess how they feel about people of different religions or even those godless atheists we hear so much about?

Where exactly in the Bible does it say we’re supposed to be such monumental dicks to each other?