Bird Ingestion Nth Guano Objectives #poop

In our excrement we are pleased to bring you this latest piece of coverage in our ongoing series All Things Poop. No one covers poop like us.

Sure, BINGO is glitzy, glamorous and loads of fun, but it has never been made accessible to the hip under-80 crowd. Until now.

Once upon a time some touchy-feely bleeding-heart bastards had kittens about cock fighting and criminalized that great and wonderful sport. Suddenly the human race was left to wither on the barren wastes in search of another intrepid activity worthy of our abscessions.

If you’ve been pining for the next great bird-oriented sport, well, wait no longer! Your prayers have been answered! No more living on a wing and a prayer.

Is the sky falling? Nope. It’s just Chicken Little. And he’s here for a very good reason.

What if you were asked: How can the game BINGO be improved and made into a sport?

Hint: The answer is not dip it in Gatorade and/or Tiger Wood’s pee.

The real answer is, of course, figure out a way to inject a little poop. Yes, you heard me. Poop. P-O-O-P. That spells “poop,” laws yes!

And here I was thinking the human race was a bunch of idiots. Boy, was I sure wrong! I’m always the first to admit it when I make a mistake.

Behold the glory that is known as Chicken Poop Bingo.

Announcer: El Diabla looks ready. She’s got a steely glint in her eye. She’s literally scratching at the gate, rarin’ to go. Look at her shake those tail feathers. She pauses for a few last words of encouragement from her trainer. What strategy will she employ tonight? The robe is removed, exposing her breast in all its juiciness, and she’s off. She’s in the ring!!!

Oh no! Someone got five-in-a-row. They just tossed in the Charmin!

The Wall Street Journal has an article about Chicken Poop Bingo (see the sports section above the World Series). In their story a hen named Henny hails from the Great State of Texas. (Surprise.) The activity takes place in a Texas bar. A photograph shows a bunch of tipsy women crowding around a chicken cage waiting with baited breath for the moment of the crowning. The scene is cast in a creepy bar light and shadow by a #8 Nascar Budweiser lamp hanging just overhead.

Henny has won 42 matches in a row and is at the top of her game. She’s the #1 paid entertainer in the #2 Bingo game. She even drives her own Dodge Ram-Tough Truck. It’s got a Hemi. It’s a Henny Hemi! Get it? You wouldn’t believe the pay-load on that thing, pardner.

Yee haw!

Question: What are you going to do if Henny hits your square?

The correct answer: Who gives a shit? Gimmie a Bud. Rednecks ain’t nothin’ without longnecks!

Five craps in a row and the winner, no doubt flushed with excitement (I won’t use the excrement joke twice in the same post) gets to go home and sterilize. Feel free to keep your play card as a souvenir. No, we insist.

Good times for a bunch o’ poop lovin’ weirdos!

Now sing with me, dammit.

Everybody’s heard, about the bird !
Everybody’s heard, about the turd !

Don’t you know about the bird?
Well everybody’s heard, about the turd !

Bird bird bird, the bird is the word !
Turd turd turd, the turd must be heard ! Yeah!


3 responses

  1. […] Bird Ingestion Nth Guano Objectives #poop ( […]


  2. Shit. What happens when diarrhea strikes? Is the board wiped clean? Are all bets off? How about when she gets constipated? Is there such a thing as chicken laxatives? And who gives the laxative and is the crowd warned and told to get out of the way? Honestly…these are questions I’d want answered before I ever stepped foot into a bar in Texas. And I’m not just talking about the chicken.


    1. Diarrhea = House win. It’s like a dealer 21 or green on the roulette wheel.

      Constipation = Rain delay. If it goes too long they bring out the tarp and have deep fried chicken. Game over, man.


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