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Coffee is made in the morning. At least it is in my house you friggin’ crazy idiots. And, being morning and all, we’re not exactly playing our best game. Not quite using all of ye olde “bean,” if you get my drift.
So here are ten early morning coffee mistakes that are common in the Taker household.
10. Using tap water. This water was drawn from the river. The same river where cities upstream pump out drinking water, too. Then run it through a sewer treatment plant. Then pump it back into the same river. They said that astronauts may have to do this someday. We already do! Enough said.
9. Forgetting to grind beans. Whole bean coffee results in an “earthier” taste but weaker brew.
8. Hitting the start button when the unit has been left on sleep mode. You come back in 30 minutes to find that jack shit has been brewed. Fail.
7. Oil Imbalance. What the fuck? This is clearly not a problem for me.
6. Lack of Sharing. Forget to offer the spouse a cup? It’s going to be a long, long day.
5. Civet Litter. Failure to properly and promptly clean the litter box for your Asian Palm Civet. Or trying the same thing with your domesticated house cat.
4. Scoop Scrimping. This is no time to pinch pennies, you bastard. (I’m talking to myself.) This maneuver is called “Save a Scoop.”
3. Forgetting to clean the pot. Extra flavor. Robust. Also known as “Taker House Blend.”
2. Forgetting the coffee. Also known as making weird hot water. How about a lovely spot of tea with that fuck-it-crumpet?
1. Forgetting the water. I love the smell of burnt coffee machine in the morning.
0. Pre-Ground coffee. How gauche! Just how bad do you need this drug flowing through your veins, anyway? Put some back into your cup. And no fancy electric grinder, either! Only a hand-grind makes a truly sophisticated cup.
-1. Over-drinking. There’s nothing like the full-body seizure after that 12th cup of Joe.
-2. Calling coffee “Joe.” Or using any other common and innumerable puns that will result in certain death. Or calling sizes anything other than small, medium and large.
Now go enjoy a cup. If you can.
Shouts from the Abyss 
Oil imbalance? Are you using coffee filters or stridex pads?
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HA! I so get you Oma!!! ( sorry Tom )
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Mrs. Abyss is a big omawarisan fan. She is not a guru fan. You win this round, Oma.
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Too bad there’s an embargo in my coffee pot. Then, of course, there was that big spill, but since then I’ve been using Oil Herder (TM) coffee additive so it hasn’t been all that bad.
Stridex pads really take coffee to the next level. The guests at my garden party always ask, “Hey, Tom, just what in the hell are you filtering this with?”
They know their coffee. And they know that the built-up residue of coffee oil gives the coffee a bitter, rancid flavor. Look for it separately.
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Here’s my solution when I forget to grind the beans. Add Sambuca to my cup! It’s makes for a “robust” morning.
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Mmm. Yes. Sambuca. And his cousin Galliano. Come to think of it, a Harvey Wallbanger makes an excellent pre-work breakfast aperitif. I loves me my morning juice.
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My wife doesn’t drink the stuff, and I’m out of the house about 10 minutes after I wake up
coffee shop coffee for me.
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Sounds clandestine. If she found out would you be grounded?
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No. I try to filter what gets back to her.
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Just like a coffee pot. I get it. Otherwise that could be “grounds” for divorce. 🙂
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am on my 4th cuppa now, since I woke up 3 hours ago… my rules are easy: Strong! No Milk! Now!
yepp thats all needed to make me a perfect cup of coffee… 🙂
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Four cups for the win! 🙂 The “cuppa” usage is still acceptable. I even have a mug that says that.
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