Chip Shot

Chip, protectively cradling his chips, about to get chipped.

I’ve been looking for that niche product that’ll finally get me a chip and a seat at the big table. I think I may have finally found it. It’s hard to believe the answer was right in front of my face the whole time.

Would it surprise you if I said I’m rather chipped off about it?

I’ve decided to invent a new variety of potato chip. Believe it or not, I feel the market is wide open for this sort of thing.

To assist with product design, I’ve identified several key variables: Preparation, Cut, Salt and Flavor.

Santana DVX sparkling wine (aka “champagne”) is the perfect pairing to this post because it is so crisp.

This post is going to require some maths. And here I thought there were lots of varieties of Wheat Thins. Compared to potato chips? Wheat Thins ain’t shit.

Here are the variables our maths will have to take into consideration:

Variable: Preparation
Enumeration Count: 3
Values: Fried, Baked, Kettle (citation needed?)

Variable: Cut
Enumeration Count: 5
Values: Original, Ridges (crinkles), Lattice, Thick, Deli

Variable: Salt
Enumeration Count: 4
Values: Original, Sea Salt, Redesigned Salt, Mediterranean Sea Salt

Let my potatoes go!

Variable: Flavor
Enumeration Count: 35 (partial list)
Values: Original, Cheddar & Sour Cream, Barbecue, Chile Limon, Classic BLT, Dill Pickle, Flamin’ Hot, Garden Tomato & Basil, Honey Barbecue, Honey Mustard, Light, Lightly Salted, Limon, Salt & Vinegar, Sour Cream & Onion, Sweet Southern Heat Barbecue, Tangy Carolina BBQ, Southwestern Ranch, Cooked Creamy Mediterranean Herb, Spice Rubbed BBQ, Harvest Ranch, Jalapeno, Maui Onion, Mesquite BBQ, Sea Salt & Cracked Pepper, Sharp Cheddar, Spicy Cayenne & Cheese, Cheddar, Hot’n Spicy, Pizza, Wavy Au Gratin, Hickory Barbecue, Ranch, Steak

We punch these numbers into our handy dandy math-o-whizz machine and we get a whopping 2,100 different possible combinations of potato chip products. And that’s with my elite team of scientists deliberately trying to minimize the number of variables and combinations involved. It’s easy to see how, with just a modicum of effort, we could easily rock this thing off the charts, like into the millions or maybe even zillions.

Perhaps my exclusive chip will be something like Kettle Lattice-Cut Spicy Cayenne & Cheese Potato Chips with Mediterranean Sea Salt infused with Haberno. See what I did there? I sneaked in a sea salt variation. Got to keep it fresh. Ask for them by name in your local supermarket.

9 responses

  1. What about mozzarella, tomato and basil for a Margherita Pizza chip? “In 1889, during a visit to Naples, Queen Margherita of Italy was served a pizza resembling the colors of the Italian flag, red (tomato), white (mozzarella) and green (basil). This kind of pizza has been named after the Queen as Pizza Margherita.” Think of the possibilities of pizza flavors!

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    1. My wife just made a homemade margherita pizza the other night. It was delicious. Why didn’t it occur to me to put it on a potato chip? Duh!

      Personally I’m leaning towards strawberry rhubarb or Big Mac Attack as my special flavor of potato chip. Or maybe something called The New York City Chip which will be a special combination of salt, ketchup and soda.

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      1. Wow, I actually thought of strawberry rhubarb, but I wasn’t yet ready to go with dessert potato chips. As my Dad always said, great minds and main sewers run together.

        Make sure that you contact Mayor Doomberg to ask how much salt and soda you should use on your New York City chip. You can’t be trusted to decide for yourself.

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  2. Meh.
    Got any carrot sticks?

    And how is Bacon not a flavor variation?
    On a recent trip to London, I was shocked by the variety of chip flavors. Shrimp and Steak? Really?

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    1. You know, bacon crossed my mind as well. You are observant. I did note that bacon is implied by the “B” in BLT but surprisingly that was it. Weird.

      I tried “steak” flavored chips a few months back and they were sick. As in gross. As in inedible. Some flavors were not destined to be chips.

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  3. See? If we blab long enough, we make serious scientific breakthroughs here. The dessert chip! That opens up a whole new world of flavor. The sky is the limit!

    As for Doomberg, his heart is in the right place. He just doesn’t understand that free will means having the right to flab your body out to kingdom come.

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  4. If you make it, they will come. Hmm. Now there’s a flavor for you! As Sam (SATC) would say…call it the “Funky Spunk Slam Dunk high-protein, low-carb late-night snack.”

    Yum.

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    1. Damn, you are definitely onto something there! The ad copy practically writes itself, too. “When Bad Breath Absolutely, Positively Has To Be There Overnight Think Funky Spunk Protein Chips.”

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      1. I can hear marketers salivating already.

        Like

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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