Yahoo CEO has a baby, Wall Street has kittens

Wall Street Kitten says, “WTF? LOLZ!”

New Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer is pregnant. Cue the Star Wars Empire Strikes Back music.

“I am your mommy.”

“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

For once the mainstream media gets it right with a finessed balance of coverage. I just culled these headlines, at random, from Google News. In the urn, this is the cream that rose to the top. I did not go digging or cherry pick these headlines.

  • Who Has It Easier, a Pregnant CEO or a Pregnant Maid?
  • Marissa Mayer hinted at what she’ll do at Yahoo — in 2010
  • She’s Feeling Lucky
  • Forbes writer to Mayer: You can’t have it all
  • Pregnant Yahoo CEO ignites maternity debate

And last, but certainly not least:

The Pregnant CEO: Should You Hate Marissa Mayer?

It almost is enough to make one wonder, “Holy fucking shit? What the hell just happened here?”

“Well, Yahoo has a new CEO. It’s Marissa.”

“Do you think she’s qualified to replace that fucking liar Scott Thompson?”

“I don’t know. Is she pregnant?”

“Yes!”

“Hells to the no!!!”

My last boss, with his degree in psychology, once heard via the Facebook grapevine that a female employee was pregnant. The very next morning he was in her face demanding if she was pregnant or not. As he put it, “You being pregnant may affect my operations and staffing.” She told him she wasn’t. He then fired her for lying. It turned out, though, that she wasn’t pregnant after all. Apparently information on Facebook is not 100 percent infallible.

I wanted to sledgehammer him in his nuts of concentrated evil for even thinking about asking her the question in the first place. Gods, what an asshole. Yes, these are the people that the magical stream winding through the universe gloms me on to. I’m just lucky I guess.

For once I think the MSM gets it right. Think about it. With a growing human life form inside of her body, Marissa won’t be able to do things that men take for granted, like using ye olde brain.

Also on that list of greatness that is now denied to Marissa:

  • Talking on the phone
  • Standing up to pee
  • Playing a round of golf
  • Cheating on the wife with a $5,000 prostitute
  • Reading reports
  • Stealing funds
  • Lying on tax returns
  • Swatting 20-year-old blond interns on the ass
  • Ordering the secretary to make coffee
  • Standing up
  • Rolling over
  • Scratching balls

Sadly Marissa won’t be able to do any of those things. The MSM is right. Yahoo is doomed. This is the final nail in the coffin. Drop your linen and stop your grinnin’. I don’t want to oversell this point, but it’s fucking universal Armageddon. Yahoo will fail and then everything will domino until nothing is left but the cockroaches and Rupert Murdoch.

It’s clearly the end of the world as we know it.

5 responses

  1. Marissa will do fine, and the editorialists know it. It’s just a news peg. Marissa has enough money for a nanny 24/7. The nanny salaries will cut a little into her political donations, of which she has been generous. Now, that’s the real story. Who does she support and why? What does she hope to get in return? Who are these people who run the internet websites, what is their agenda, how are they going to screw us over, how will we be paying for our “free” yahoo news and email?

    Like

    1. There might be an angle I overlooked here. I was reacting on a visceral level. What have you got?

      A liar CEO who happens to be male and Wall Street shrugs and even bothers to ask, “Does it matter?”

      A female CEO who is pregnant? Suddenly the question becomes, “Should we hate her?”

      How telling.

      Like

  2. […] Yahoo CEO has a baby, Wall Street has kittens […]

    Like

  3. I bet if she really wanted to she could figure out a way to pee “loser” in the snow and not get her knickers damp…like men tend to do. Oxyclean needs to rethink their target market. 🙂

    Like

    1. I once attended a Renaissance Faire. The women in bodices with tankards of mead were all bragging about how far they could pee. Apparently a competition of sorts had been held which, sadly, I missed.

      I may have missed the mark on the standing up to pee thing.

      Like

Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: