Boss Wisdom

And the fourth method of learning wisdom, often neglected, is real life examples from the boss.

Wisdom is a deep understanding and realization of people, things, events or situations, resulting in the ability to apply perceptions, judgements and actions in keeping with this understanding. It often requires control of one’s emotional reactions (the “passions”) so that universal principles, reason and knowledge prevail to determine one’s actions. Wisdom is also the comprehension of what is true coupled with optimum judgment as to action. Synonyms include: sagacity, discernment, or insight. (Source: Wikipedia.)

This morning I found a sticky note on my desk. It contained ideas for some possible blog posts. I’m always on the hunt for that next big idea, so when I think of something, I like to write it down before it is forgotten forever. Most ideas come around only a single time.

The blogging creative process works a little like this: Ideas are recorded in various ways. Sometimes they become voice memos in my iPod. Sometimes I update a file called “notes” in my computer. I used to carry a little notepad around with me where I put my tiny chicken scratch for all time. And sometimes the ideas go on sticky notes.

The sticky note option is not without its element of danger. What if I forget the note and leave it laying around? Or it falls unnoticed from my pocket and I leave it behind? It’s possible that my target could somehow realize what I was up to and then it would be go time.

The final step of the creative process is then losing all of the notes and/or having no idea what they mean. Once you’ve accomplished that then you are finally ready to write.

The note from this morning contained five cryptic words. A short sentence that was intended to prompt a blog post. And now I have no way to know what I meant when I wrote it. Oh yeah, I just remembered another thing about these blog notes. Timing. They go stale rather fast.

Luckily, this time, I was able to remember something about that cryptic sentence. The note was one in an ongoing series of “wisdom” things that the boss has said at work. Sometimes he says things that are so incredulous I instinctively document them for posterior. The time has come to witness the culmination of that effort. I’ll do my best to recreate the original context.

Remember: These are actual words of wisdom as stated – verbatim – by the boss. You may be tempted to suspect an element of humor in these words. Be careful and don’t fall into that trap. These words are exactly as they seem: Vicious swords of crassness wielded to demean, insult and disembowel.

These samples have been exactingly preserved, word for word, by trained scientists wearing rubber gloves and hazmat suits. They should be safe for public viewing but decontamination afterwards is recommended. Use caution.


Customer: Will the FedEx driver do “XYZ” when he delivers my package?
Boss: There are 8,000 FedEx drivers. I know very few of them.


Boss Wife: I’ve never seen cans of low-sugar “XYZ” at the grocery store before.
Boss: You go to the store and look for the cans that say “low sugar.”


Cow Orker: It was night so we were having a hard time seeing “XYZ.”
Boss: The sun comes out during the day.


Child: If we separate at the “XYZ” event how will I find you again?
Boss: I don’t have a flare gun.


I’ll say this much for him: He sure knows how to insult with style. He’s a true artisan of the insult arts.

5 responses

  1. Are you sure he’s being insulting? In his world, these might actually be helpful thoughts…


    1. The Boss is one of those people who thinks he’s smarter than everyone else. It’s not hard to read his mind about this, since he often verbalizes it. He says pithy things like, “I’m more intelligent than 99% of the people I talk to.” That’s an exact quote. In other words, he ranks himself at better than the top one percent in intelligence. Call me a skeptic, if you will, but I think he’s one of the dumbest fucking retards I’ve ever met. If I’m correct, that makes him delusional, too.

      He’s one of those people that sounds haughty, superior, and condescending every time he opens his mouth. This may not be intentional, but when you consider his overt statements, he just comes across as a crass blowhard 24/7. Yeah, he means to be insulting. It’s very deliberate. He goes out of his way to do it. It’s intentional. Oh yeah, he’s impatient with everyone, too.


  2. As I read the quotes, I envisioned a television script. Get on it! You can be an alchemist creating your boss’ leaden remarks into comedy gold, which you do a lot in this space.


    1. You’re right, of course. Being around the boss is a lot like living in a TV script. He’s a lot like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, just nice as nice and/or mature.


  3. A bonus boss quote from yesterday:

    “I don’t have a time machine. I’m not able to fix things in the past.”

    No shit? Really? And here I thought you actually had a time machine and were just choosing not to use it. Because you not going back in time to manipulate events to make yourself the richest person in the world seems plausible.


Bringeth forth thy pith and vinegar

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