Mitt Romney – Slave Driver

The Romney quarter-zip sweatshirt. I’m holding out for the FULL zip but only if it covers his whole face.

This is part two in our exclusive and ongoing series of Mitt Romney investigative reports. You can read our exclusive exposé of Mitt Romney’s hidden age here.

Clear your head of all the distractions of this presidential campaign. The Bain Capital years. Reverend Wright. The Super PACs. Dog Gate. Birth certificates. The price of gas. Heck, even try to forget about Donald Trump’s hair – The Coiffure from Another Entrepreneur.

This election is about the economy. It’s about jobs. Therefore, it is fair to ask, “What would Romney do?”

Thanks to the investigative efforts of the Abyss News Team, we will deliver the answer to that question tonight at 11 on Action Central News. If you “believe in America” you’ll catch our team coverage tonight. What you don’t know could kill you. Stay tuned.

Fair notice: Some mathematics will be required.

Team Abyss has obtained an email from the Romney campaign. The email, although innocent at first glance, offers a chilling glimpse into a Romney presidency that has promised to create “jobs” within the United States.

The actual email. Verbatim. Click to enlarge.

The email is a call-to-action from the Romney campaign for Romney supporters to to donate a “few minutes” of their time to make personal phone calls. Espousing the Romney philosophy of economics, the email promises “incentives” to supporters willing to help out.

The grand prize? For those supporters who make the ultimate effort, a “Romney half-zip sweatshirt” awaits. Yes, we’re not kidding! This is actually happening. Believe it! Some people wait a lifetime for an offer this good.

To qualify, supporters merely have to make 1,500 phone calls. That’s it. And they are given a whopping six days to accomplish their task. The “incentives” are based on calls made between June 4th and June 9th. Six days.

Our apologies, but here is where we have to get technical and introduce some maths.

1,500 phone calls in six days. That’s only 250 phone calls per day.

That doesn’t sound so bad. I could do 250 phone calls while standing on my head. Right?

That depends. How long will each call take?

• One minute = 250 minutes AKA 4.2 hours
• Two minutes = 500 minutes AKA 8.3 hours
• Three minutes = 750 minutes AKA 12.5 hours

If a phone call takes an average of three minutes each, that’s only 12.5 hours per day. Mitt Romney doesn’t ask for much, does he? And some people call Barack Obama narcissistic! 🙂

But don’t worry. Mitt may demand a lot, but he is also beneficent with his rewards. After donating 12.5 hours a day for six whole days, the volunteer will be awarded with … cue the tabernacle of angels here … an official Romney half-zip sweatshirt. Yes, a gift with Romney’s name emblazoned upon it. (Ego much?)

We couldn’t find the “Romney half-zip sweatshirt” in the “shop” on the official Mitt Romney website. But we did find the “Romney quarter-zip sweatshirt” which we assume is of comparable value. The price? Only $60. (Which is considered, under federal law, a campaign contribution. Apparently you can only buy $2,500 worth of these wonderful items. Per election. Here’s hoping for 2016 so I can add to my collection!)

By the way, unlike a lot of ecommerce stores on the internet, the Mitt Romney site doesn’t indicate the country of origin for this product. I would assume that if it was made in the USA it would say so, right? Wouldn’t you? I wonder where these “Believe in America” products were made?

Time for more maths:

• Six days at 12.5 hours a day is 75 hours.
• Rate of pay: One sweatshirt worth an alleged $60
• Hourly rate: $60 / 75 hours = .80 per hour

75 hours is a “few minutes?”

Holy cow. 80 cents an hour for American workers. That’s approximately one-tenth of the federal minimum wage. Which is also about what U.S. corporations save on “compensation” costs when they ship American jobs to other countries where workers are paid about one-tenth.

This guy really does understand business.

If these are the kinds of jobs he offers to his most loyal supporters, we can only imagine what kind of jobs he will bring once he gets elected president and can do anything he wants.

Note: PolitiSnark.com rated this post as “Mostly Dour” on the humor-o-meter.