Monthly Archives: June, 2012

Best in State

I was never best in state until I was lying in state and intestate.

My wife and myself explored the coast like butter seeking out every nook and cranny of an english muffin. After all, we had an entire week to kill.

It took a while but a few things dawned on us. The “coast highway” consisted of two deadly and skinny lanes of pavement at most points along the way. When you first rolled up on the coast the highway was of little concern. “Golly,” we said. “Look at all the coast and shit.”

By day two the highway was irritating me on a subconscious level.

By day three I hated the fucking thing. “We’re starving and it’s time for dinner. Wanna go get something to eat?”

“God no,” I replied. “It’s fucking not worth it.”

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The Old Man And The C

The sea was crusty that day, my friends. Almost as crusty as the crusty hate on the old man’s haggard and bitter face. He came from the Crust-ation period.

He woke up angry and angrily cleaned the crust from eyes. He then reached for his underwear that was, well, at this point it doesn’t really need to be said, does it?

For breakfast he noshed on a crusty piece of bread and only the crust of a piece of pie.

His crusty toes tickling crusty sand, he staggered across the beach until crusty waves engulfed his feet. He raised his crustily clenched fist and shouted, “It is I, the saloa! Here I am!! Come and get me if you dare!”

Just offshore sharks with crusty teeth smiled and waited…

Hyppo and Critter: Over There (Text)

Hyppo was on a boat. He gestured towards Critter while pointing at some people on the shore, who were so small they looked like little specks.

“Look at those motherfuckers over there,” he said with contempt. “Fucking land lubber bastards. We’re on a boat.”

The next day, Hyppo and Critter were back on solid land. They were standing on the shore when they spied a passing boat out at sea.

“Look at those assholes,” Hyppo said. “Don’t they think they’re oh so special being on a boat. They’re despicable.”

This post painfully tapped out on my iPod for your enjoyment. For bonus points I did it while drunk.

Guest Post – Hyppo and Critter: Thou Shall Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Bike

This Hyppo and Critter is also based on actual events of a most recent past. It all made sense to me when someone pointed out that our neighbor is actually a used car salesman!

Abyss Vacation Planning

Julie is my alter ego. See Isaac for a paloma then let’s have a talk. I’ll show you how to plan a vacation right, motherfucker.

Even an guru gets days off once in a while. Unpaid, of course.

Back in the day, in The Other Life (as I now call it) I had a real job. It had a real salary. It had real benefits like paid sick days, paid holidays, 401k, medical, and dental. Hell, it was almost enough to keep my negativity on the back burner. It was almost like someone gave a shit about me.

Oh yeah, I had FOUR (count ’em motherfucker) paid weeks of vacation, too.

Fast-forward to the Decade of Despair ™ and a lot has changed. True, the Decade of Despair officially ended in 2011, but it has been extended indefinitely in what I’ve come to know as The Bonus Round.

My pay is about the same as I earned in the mid-80s. I shit you not. And I haven’t had a paid day off since the year 2001. Vacation, sick, holiday – whatever. None. Diddly squat. Goose egg. Bupkis.

Health insurance? I only work full time, ya know? Why the fuck would I be worthy of insurance. Don’t make me laugh. If I do I’ll exceed the stress capabilities of my truss and then, well, I’ll need a doctor. Trust me on this. I don’t have $200 on me to see an asshole who will spend three minutes with me giving me bad advice.

But I digress. Since ending The Other Life vacations have been few and far between. Hell, even when I hitched up with Mrs. Abyss the wedding ceremony and honeymoon had to be crammed into a three-day weekend. Monday morning I was right back at it in the shithole.

Someone must have told all of my bosses than an employee stressed to the point of daydreaming 24/7 about swallowing razor blades was the optimal path to productivity, right? It’s the only explanation that makes sense. (That or the universe hates me for daring to exist.)

One time since then I took nine days off in a row. That’s five days “vacation” from work with weekend bookends. Utterly unpaid. It’s a world record that has stood for years. No, I doubt I’ll be able to break it. Not in this lifetime.

But I’m about to tie the record. Yeah, nine more unpaid days off in a row for me. And, since I obviously have so much vacation experience under my belt, I’m going to share a few vacation planning tips with ya. It’s time for me to don my Julie hat. Come aboard, I’m expecting you. I’ll set a course for adventure! If we’re super lucky maybe Doc will even hit on my wife.
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Guest Post – Hyppo and Critter: Chore Whore

This Hyppo and Critter is based on actual events of a most recent past. I am embarrassed to say that I portray Hyppo in this strip and Tom, the poor unsuspecting Critter. [I’m quite happy to assume the persona of Critter, who generally portrays my sweet, naive and innocent existence. – Ed.]

To my dearest Tommy, I love you Chore Whore!

Abyss Island: Survivor Challenge

This season’s Immunity Idol. Worth playing for?

In our last contest the grand prize winner was offered (and declined) an action figure of Dr. Julius M. Hibbert from The Simpsons.

This time we’re upping the stakes a bit. The winner of Abyss Island: Survivor Challenge will receive One Million Dollars*.

In this exclusive contest 20 ordinary Americans will be selected by me, your Probst of Ceremonies, to participate in a unique online experiment.

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