The Doctor Tom Show – An Important Announcement

I’m still feeling rather giddy about my recent achievement of a childhood dream. That of becoming a doctor*. You little people can now call me Dr. Taker or Dr. Tom (if you’re not on my shit list.) From now on I’ll be sporting a fashionable white lab/trench coat (and nothing else). Mmm. That feels good.

Today I finally end the speculum speculation. (Sorry. I’m still new to being a doctor and some of these fancy words won’t come easy to me.)

My name is Tom B. Taker and I am running for president.

To prove how motivated I am, I made my own campaign mug with my very own hands. (See inset image.) The craftsmanship demonstrates my many talents. (It looks so good you can’t believe it wasn’t made in China. But it’s true. The American spirit remains alive.) The fact that I instagramed the bloody thing means I understand today’s technological world. Thus you can wisely conclude that I’m a true renaissance man. I hope you’ll agree I’m a lesser evil than those other no talent ass clowns and thus worthy of your vote!

Wisely I decided to let the various political parties settle their petty internal squabbles before revealing my plan. This news cycle needs no distractions. It must keep it’s eye on the ball. Namely me.

The more observant among you noticed that I began rolling out my presidential platform in tiny pieces on Twitter. Here’s an example:

Once elected your president, I will make it illegal to send out "no reply" emails.

— Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) May 3, 2012

As your president I will abolish Monday mornings and Friday afternoons!

— Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) April 30, 2012

My two presidential campaign promises: Places where food is made have to have glass walls, and 7.5 ounce packages can't say "five servings."

— Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) April 21, 2012

That's similar to my presidential platform. If elected I'd give every American $1 million. That's only $300 million stimulus. @ysknabmi

— Tom B. Taker (@shoutabyss) December 12, 2011

Note: Okay. My math was a little off on that last one. Once you get into the millions the shit gets tricky. I admit that now. So my stimulus plan would cost over $300 trillion. But think about it. Everyone gets $1 million. That’s nothing to sneeze at.

PAPS

Obviously I’m light years ahead of the other guys. And those are bona fide campaign promises that I won’t renege on like those other guys.

As if those ideas aren’t already enough to put my white lab coat in the White House, I’ve got one more piece of my platform to reveal. Typically us doctors protect each other and refuse to push each other under the bus. It’s an unwritten code. With my highly evolved morals and ethics, however, I’m willing to go there and tell it like it is.

The idea is a simple one. You know those diplomas that doctors like to hang on the walls? I’ll make it a law that they have to be displayed where their customers can see. Just like in restaurants.

Big deal, you say? They already do that, you say? I forgot to mention one other detail: The certificates will have to be color-coded according to my Physician Advisory Performance System (PAPS). The colors will be based on the doctor’s overall GPA through his/her medical career.

Don’t get me wrong. Certificates hanging on walls is a time-honored an amazing accurate way to pick the person who’ll be slicing into your flesh and stuff. But how much information does that certificate really communicate? A certificate is remarkably binary. Either this person is a doctor or this person is not. Somehow that left me wanting more.

Now, with just a glance at the certificate, you’ll also have a handy benchmark regarding the doctor’s educational performance. A green certificate indicates an overall “upper A” grade point average. Lower A would be represented by blue. Upper B would be yellow, lower B would be orange, and anything lower would be red. They don’t call it a terror alert system for nothin’.

For my BFFs, lovers, and close personal friends across the aisle, the PAPS system should appeal to their natural love of free markets. The individual who strives for the best possible grades will be rewarded with a green certificate they can proudly display. Those who slog through with lower grades will be rewarded, too. Unlike in the past with a certificate that looks exactly the same, now you’ll be able to learn so much more and with only a glance. The system will be remarkably efficient.

Some, no doubt, will attempt to smear the PAPS system, giving media outlets across the nation journalistic orgasms with the headline possibilities. But make no mistake about it. But those critics will be on the wrong side of history.

This is a just a small smattering of the new, totally unique and creative ideas I’ll bring to a Taker presidency. You can’t afford to miss out. It will be so much fun, and when’s the last time anyone ever used that word to describe presidential politics?

You may now commence with the fracas regarding my vice president pick although, truth be told, I’m already leanin’ towards Sarah Palin. Team 2012 – Failin’ and Palin has a nice ring to it. See? I’m making good decisions already!

* Medicine and Surgery, honorary M.D. Ph.D degree, 4.00 GPA, issued by mythical institution of negative learning, Abyss University.

Official Campaign Song: