Conversational Masturbation
Concept #1
Wikipedia says the “cultural generations” of western society have progressed like this:
Lost Generation • Greatest Generation • Silent Generation • Baby Boom Generation • Generation X • Millenial Generation (Generation Y) • Generation Z
I know I normally remain anonymous, but I am now willing to share this much about myself: I’m from one of those generations.
Concept #2
Meanwhile, researchers at Harvard announced results of a study last Monday that said, in so many words: We really get off on talking about ourselves.
I will now attempt to merge these two disparate concepts into a unique, unifying theory of my own creation that I hereby dub, “Conversational Masturbation.”
We start with a case study of a subject from the Baby Boom Generation:
The boss’ wife thinks it is important that she and her husband (my boss) go for a walk every day. She has several valid reasons for her desire to walk together but I think one of them is that she also wants a little payback for the douchebag structuring his life so as to spend as little time with her and the rest of his family as possible.
Each day she calls to arrange with him the time when they will walk together. She shows up at the office on time. He then makes her wait. The other day she waited 90 minutes before he was finally not “busy” enough that the office could spare him for an hour.
Recently she stopped by and asked him, “So where would you like to walk today?” He responded non-verbally by getting up from his chair, walking across the room, going in the restroom and shutting the door. (I’d call this douchebaggery but I’ve got my researcher hat on now so I have to stay all scientific and shit with my analysis.)
When he exited the restroom, she asked him again, “So where would you like to go walking today?”
He still didn’t respond. He walked across the room, joined her near the front door, then, as they were preparing to exit, he noticed the mail table covered with outgoing shipments.
He then exclaimed – and this is an exact quote preserved for posterity: “Hey, look! Boxes!“
My grand theory of Conversational Masturbation will attempt to explain this behavior and more.
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A post that was four years ahead of its time. A good read!
My friend unveiled her family portrait at a neighborhood party. In the photograph, she, her husband and their five beautiful children — teenagers and young adults — were bathed in a glow of filtered sunlight as they casually stood in a courtyard. They looked so happy to be there together.
There were oohs and ahs all around, but this is what we were thinking. What did she have to promise — or threaten — to get everyone together at the same time — and smiling, too! Before any of us was bold enough or rude enough to ask her, my friend confessed. The daughter on the left had thrown a snit about the photo appointment and had shown up too late. She was later photo-shopped seamlessly into the photo.
No kidding? So this family had warts, too. Then we marveled at the photograph. The tardy daughter blended in so well with the rest of the family. The…
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