Monthly Archives: May, 2012

The Sin of the Droplet #drabble

He could feel it starting. Up along the ridge where forehead met hairline. And he knew there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop it.

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Looking forward to some anticipation

ASL. That also stands for Age/Sex/Location. That’s the power of Abyss science working for you.

When the movie Office Space said, “Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays,” they almost had it right. I happen to have a case of the “weekdays.” Sadly, there is no known cure. The weekdays are always fatal.

Weekends do have a few things in their favor. You don’t have to go to work and you don’t have to deal with that puss-filled pimple of a boss. For a while.

But what else they got?

Sure, I look forward to weekends just like most everyone else. But Friday is the worst weekday of the week, notwithstanding Rebecca Black, of course. (You can see my Friday-is-the-worst-day-of-the-week logic here.)

You see, I’ve known something about Fridays for a long, long time. I was in the science lab (back when I was a much younger whore) when I put it all together. And I’m willing to share my findings with you. Shhhhhh!

Tweet Archeology

Here is what my time in the lab proved*:

Tom’s Law #42
Unless death is somehow involved, every Friday is always followed by another Monday.

* I say “proved” but my results have not been subjected to peer review. We couldn’t find anyone sadly pathetic enough to perform the work.

One moment it’s Friday 5:05 pm and you stop to capture the moment. You take a swig from the flask of vodka under the driver’s seat. You just jumped in your rig, put in the key and are about to embark on the magical journey known as Friday night. Or, as I like to call it, “The Holy Time.” You try to freeze that moment in time so it will last forever, but try as you might, you cannot. Your eyes blink a couple of times, you shake your head, and suddenly, you find yourself in the same spot, only it’s Monday morning and the weekend in already over and the boss awaits.

“Oh my God,” you say to yourself. “How did that happen?” And, unlike Friday evening, time on Monday mornings slows down to such a point that a dead snail going backwards moves along faster. M equals Monday, M equals Molasses.

So yeah, some studies just came out, but they only prove what I already knew. Don’t worry, I’m here to help spread the good news. Read on to be cheered. What you don’t know could kill you.
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Hyppo and Critter: Political Darwinism

The Anatomy of a Flip-Flop

Today I don my scientist lab coat, grab my clipboard, and ask the humble question of a seeker of knowledge: “What is a flip-flop?”

Roll up your sleeves because we’re going to have to dissect a pair to get some answers. I hope you enjoy the smell of formaldehyde. Don’t you don’t have to worry about cancer if the stuff splashes on you or it’s upriver from your house. The Small Business Administration (SBA) says it’s fine and dandy. When it comes to science and substances that might be carcinogens there is no greater authority than the SBA. Wanting money has a lot to do with the science of a substances being a carcinogen or not, right?

And when government officials tell you that our old friend formaldehyde in the drinking water is nothing to worry about, I, for one, say drink up and let’s propose a toast to those who put our safety first.

Can you ever really have too much formaldehyde? Seriously.

But I digress before I dissect. Be liberal with that formaldehyde and splash it on your flip flops. Remember, kids, this is all in the name of science.
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Who Is Warring Whom?

Note: This might seem like yet another post about abortion but really it’s not. I’m going to try (and fail) to make some broader points. Points about Mitt Romney, Planned Parenthood, religious freedom and beliefs, the “terrible power” of government, societal control, and so much more. I’ll try to do it with my usual grace, style and aplomb…

Is this like preaching to the choir? I wouldn’t know. I’ve said some of this before and, no doubt, I’ll say some of it again.
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Honey Clusters of Goat

Little Miss Mullet
Stuffing her gullet,
Cheating her diet away.
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her
And Miss Mullet had this to say:
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John Lennon’s Phantom of the Opera

I imagine how The Phantom of the Opera might be different if it was written by John Lennon.
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