Pine Near Whoa Man: Vegetarian Cowboy Pizza

When you go vegetarian there is a surprising truth that awaits that takes you totally by surprise: Cheese instantly becomes the most important lover in your life.

No longer do you ask the question, “What’s for dinner?”

Instead it becomes: “What can we make that has cheese in it?” I finally get what Wallace & Gromit have been talking about.

The next thing you realize is that, if you love BBQ sauce, you’re pretty much fucked. Bye bye now. Bye bye.

The other night I made a pizza that, dare I say it, was “inspired.” Yeah, I know that Domino’s Pizza has attempted to corner (heh) the market on “inspired” pizzas but, somehow, I don’t think they are the only ones who can pull it off.

So here it is, in the grand tradition of my series of Pine Near Whoa Man posts, the next recipe from me to you. I call it Cowboy Vegetarian Pizza because it captures those heady days of yesteryear out on the plains with a herd of cattle and spending your nights with a bunch of smelly guys. Bold, fresh, southwest Tex-Mex flavors and, for the cowboy in all of us, BBQ sauce. “Ranch” dressing can be served on the side for the full experience, but real cowboys think that’s only for city slickers.

This recipe is my own invention and loosely based on a pizza I had in a restaurant once. Only without the chicken. (cry)

Vegetarian Cowboy Pizza

Yield: One medium pizza


Pizza crust (Boboli, Freschetta, crust in a tube, or make your own)
BBQ sauce (store bought or make your own)
One jalapeno, thinly sliced, seeds rinsed out
One-half medium onion, sliced into wedges
Cheddar cheese, shredded
About 5 medium mushrooms

  1. Preheat oven to bake at 425 degrees.
  2. Slice mushrooms and saute until golden brown. Add onion and saute until translucent.
  3. Thinly spread BBQ sauce on crust like you know what you’re doing. I can’t describe it. Just do the right amount.
  4. Sprinkle on the cheddar cheese the way that pizza makers do it. (Not the way I did the other night.)
  5. Evenly spread all the other stuff on top.
  6. Cook 15 to 20 minutes until the thing is done. Show it to your wife and she’ll let you know.
  7. Take out and let sit on pizza rack for five seconds. Eat.

Like I said, I made it the other night, and it was pretty horrible. Actually, I don’t even know why I’m sharing this. Only an idiot would make it. But since going vegetarian it’s pretty much my favorite pizza. By using the Domino’s Pizza website you can pretty much custom design the same damn thing except for, perhaps, the saute part. It’s actually not bad, but not as inspired as mine.

Yee haw! I’m truly riding free on the pine near now. Now if you excuse me, this is the part where I ride away into the sunset. I gotta get out of town before those jalapenos do something to me. Adios muchachos!

4 responses

  1. This sure hit home! Favorite quote (of sooooo many…) “The next thing you realize is that, if you love BBQ sauce, you’re pretty much fucked. Bye bye now. Bye bye.” Damn, you are funny.


    1. That was my impersonation of a flight attendant as you deplane. I’m glad you liked it!

      And it’s nice to have you drop by and brighten the Abyss! 🙂


  2. The past few days, I’ve been living on toasted whole wheat rolls smeared with half a mashed avocado, with a light sprinkling of garlic salt. Occasionally I shake things up by a eating a bowl of bite-sized shredded wheat with fresh strawberries.

    Despite living in a BBQ heaven of Kansas City, I don’t eat the stuff and have grown to hate BBQ sauce, too. Too sweet! I might try your recipe, minus the BBQ sauce.


    1. IMHO the BBQ sauce is crucial. I’m desperate for it. Your little snack sounds delicious, though. I’m going to have to try that!


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